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Turns out, the world's doing just fine shrugging off Trump's tariff tantrums, with Europe and South Korea leading the way while Thailand and Turkey are, well, having a bad time. Giggity!

Giggity! Global Stocks Soar While Trump's Tariffs Flop Like Meg at a Dance

Peter Griffin

Wed 09 July, 2025 00:04
3 minutes to read

Captain Jack Sparrow reports on Trump's new 50% copper tariff, sending prices soaring and investors scrambling like crabs on a hot beach.

Shiver Me Timbers! Trump Slaps a Kraken-Sized Tariff on Copper!

Apple's COO, Jeff Williams, prepares for retirement, passing the operational baton to Sabih Khan amid supply chain complexities. A logical transition in the ever-evolving landscape of technology.

Fascinating! Apple's Second-in-Command, Jeff Williams, to Boldly Go...Into Retirement

Elon Musk's X reports India's government ordered the blocking of thousands of accounts, sparking a free speech showdown. This ain't no 'Little Friend' situation, this is WAR!

Say Hello to My Little Censorship: India vs. Musk's X

Jeff Bezos unloads a chunk of Amazon stock, fueling speculation and wedding bill payments. Optimus Prime investigates.

Bezos Cashes Out: Is Amazon Prime About to Get a New Meaning?

Headlines by Reporters

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A Witcher's humorous report on Trump's new 50% copper tariff, pharmaceutical duties, and the resulting market chaos, sprinkled with Witcher wisdom.

Geralt of Rivia Investigates Trump's Golden Copper Caper: A Witcher's Take on Tariffs!

Geralt of Rivia reports on the Reserve Bank of Australia's decision to hold rates steady, leaving Australians grumbling louder than a griffin with indigestion.

Toss a Coin to Your Witcher, Oh Wait, the RBA Didn't Cut Rates!

Even Witchers know a thing or two about apologies, especially when lives and reputations are on the line. Apparently, so do airline CEOs... sometimes.

Toss a Coin to Your CEO: How NOT to Butcher an Apology, According to a Witcher (and Some Expert)

A new tropical storm named Chantal is brewing off the US coast, threatening the Carolinas with heavy rainfall and potential flooding, enough to make even a Witcher consider a bath.

Chantal's Howling Gale: Carolinas Brace for a Witch's Brew of Rain and Trouble

Geralt of Rivia reports on the thawing of US-China trade relations, as jet engine shipments to China get the green light, stirring the pot like a witcher brewing a potion.

Toss a Coin to Your Pilot, Oh Valley of Planes: US-China Trade Winds Shift!

Geralt of Rivia

Fri 04 July, 2025 02:07
2 minutes to read

President Trump threatens sky-high tariffs on imported pharmaceuticals, leaving Barbie wondering if her Malibu dream will include affordable healthcare.

Trump's Tariff Tantrum: Will My Dreamhouse Afford Medicine?

Central bankers and strategists suggest the euro is gaining global importance as political tensions and economic policies impact the U.S. dollar.

Euro Vision: Is the Dollar Losing Its Dreamhouse?

Representative Mark Green resigns from Congress, leaving Republicans with an even slimmer House majority. Is this a political Malibu meltdown or a strategic career move? Barbie investigates!

Kenough is Enough! Congressman Green Ditches the House for a Real-World Dream House!

China's search giant Baidu revamps its search engine with AI, hoping to outshine rivals like DeepSeek and stay ahead in the tech race. Can it keep up with the ever-changing trends?

Baidu's AI Makeover: Is It Enough to Stay Fab in the Tech World?

Ethereum-related stocks are surging as interest in stablecoins and tokenization reignites, proving that even crypto can have a 'totally fantastic' makeover.

Ethereum's Comeback: From Zombie Fund to Total Dreamhouse?

Barbie

Wed 02 July, 2025 18:00
3 minutes to read

Tesla CEO Elon Musk faces criticism over his new political party, sparking a debate about his focus and impact on the company's stock.

Elon's Political Party: A Disturbance in the Force or a New Hope for Tesla?

Darth Vader analyzes Trump's tariff threats, foreign leaders' reactions, and the galaxy-wide implications of this disturbance in the Force of global trade.

The Tariff Awakens: Trump's Trade Empire Strikes Back!

Tesla's stock plunges as Elon Musk unveils his plan to form the 'America Party,' a move that has investors questioning his allegiance to the Force...er, the company.

A NEW POLITICAL FORCE AWAKENS: MUSK'S 'AMERICA PARTY' THREATENS THE BALANCE OF THE MARKET

Elon Musk, feeling the Force, launches the

A New Hope (Party) Arises: Musk Declares Rebellion Against the Porky Pig Party!

A year into Labour's return, Prime Minister Keir Starmer faces plummeting popularity, economic woes, and the rising threat of Reform UK. The Force is weak with this one.

The Empire Strikes Out… at Labour! Starmer's Reign Falters!

Darth Vader

Fri 04 July, 2025 05:53
3 minutes to read

Batman analyzes Jim Cramer's Charitable Trust selling Coterra Energy shares at a loss, offering his dark, satirical take on market volatility and investment strategies.

Gotham's Dark Knight Dumps Energy Stock! Is Your Portfolio Safe?

Australia's central bank surprises markets by keeping interest rates unchanged, prompting commentary from the shadows (that's me).

RBA Holds Steady: A Dark Knight's Take on Down Under's Dough

Central bankers and strategists predict the Euro's rising global influence, fueled by political shifts and economic policies, while the Dollar faces challenges.

Gotham Gazette Exclusive: Euro Flexes Muscles, Dollar Trembles – A Dark Knight's Take

Rep. Mark Green bails on Washington, leaving Republicans scrambling like the Joker after a bad joke. Is this a win for Gotham, or just another headache?

Gotham Gazette Exclusive: One Less Clown in Congress?

A deep dive into Keir Starmer's first year as Prime Minister, revealing plummeting popularity, economic struggles, and the rise of Reform UK. Is this the darkness before the dawn... or just more darkness?

Gotham Gazette Exclusive: Starmer's UK - A Year of Tumult, Trade Deals, and Troubling Polls!

Batman

Fri 04 July, 2025 05:53
3 minutes to read

The TSA is considering letting travelers keep their shoes on at airport checkpoints, potentially ending a nearly 20-year-old rule. Is this chaos, or just a new way to stir things up?

TSA's Shoe Policy Gets a Makeover: Is This a Joke?

The Reserve Bank of Australia throws a wrench into the gears, leaving economists and citizens alike wondering if they're part of some elaborate joke. And they are... hehehe...

Why So Serious, Australia? No Rate Cut, Just Chaos!

Netflix doubles down on streaming, leaving traditional movie theaters in the dust, much to the dismay of cinephiles and the delight of chaos agents everywhere. HAHAHA!

Netflix Says: Why So Theatrical? A Joker's Commentary

Netflix laughs in the face of traditional movie releases, proving that burning money and breaking the rules is the only way to truly entertain…or is it?

Netflix and the Art of Chaos: Why Bother With Theaters When You Can Rule the World From Your Couch?

HAHAHA! Musk's New 'America Party' – Is This a Joke?

The Joker

Sat 05 July, 2025 21:45
3 minutes to read

Following deadly flash floods in Texas, over 160 people are missing, raising questions about warning systems and emergency response in the state's Hill Country.

Texas Tragedy: More Than 160 Missing After Flash Floods – 'Terrible Thing When Little Girls Have to Die'

A devastating flash flood in Texas claims nearly 100 lives, including many children at a summer camp, raising questions about early warnings and climate change. Seems like someone needs a Time-Turner, but even Hermione couldn't fix this.

Texas Flood Turns Tragic: Even Accio Couldn't Save Them All!

A tragic flash flood in Texas claims at least 96 lives, including many children at a summer camp, sparking debate about early warning systems and the impact of climate change.

Texas Flood: A Grim Reminder That Fate Can Be Crueler Than Voldemort

Lithuania's Central Bank questions Robinhood's tokenized equities after OpenAI cries foul, leaving investors wondering if this is another case of 'Caveat Emptor!'

Robinhood's Tokenized Equities Under Fire: More Trouble Than a Three-Headed Dog?

Tensions rise as China retaliates against EU's medical device tender restrictions, sparking a trade war hotter than a dragon's breath.

Blimey! China and EU in a Right Kettle of Fish Over Medical Gizmos!

Harry Potter

Sun 06 July, 2025 10:21
3 minutes to read

Breaking News

Groq Moves to Europe?! Like, Literally Groqing Across the Pond!

AI chip startup Groq expands its empire to Helsinki, Finland, bringing its LPU magic to the European market with a new data center. Is Nvidia shaking in their boots? We'll see, bestie!

Ay, Caramba! Trump Draws His Sword Again – But This Time, It's for Ukraine!

The United States vows to send more defensive weapons to Ukraine as tensions with Russia escalate – a tale of bravery, strategy, and hopefully, no sudden urges to bury anyone alive.

High-frequency trading firm Jane Street contests India's market manipulation ban, claiming their actions were 'basic index arbitrage trading'. Looks like someone's gonna need a lawyer, and fast!

Holy Guacamole! Jane Street vs. India's SEBI: A Wall Street Tussle Bigger Than My Laundry Pile!

Spiderman

Tue 08 July, 2025 07:39
3 minutes to read

Mr. Bean reports on the chaos at Tesla as Elon Musk's political antics spark investor worries and a sharp 'Shut up!'

Elon's American Party Pooper? Tesla's Topsy-Turvy Turns Political!

Mr. Bean

Tue 08 July, 2025 18:04
2 minutes to read

Southeast Asia navigates the AI race between the U.S. and China, aiming to leverage the best of both while forging its own path in technology and regulation. Just like when I had to choose between training with King Kai or fighting Frieza!

Kamehame-HA! Southeast Asia Flexes Its AI Muscles Between Superpower Showdown!

Son Goku

Tue 08 July, 2025 23:21
3 minutes to read

Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport retains its title as the world's busiest, while Dubai International Airport soars in international passenger traffic, surpassing pre-pandemic levels.

Fascinating! Atlanta Airport Still Rules the Skies, Dubai Ascends to Galactic Heights

Spock

Tue 08 July, 2025 10:05
3 minutes to read

The Queen of Blades dissects human communication pitfalls and offers tactical alternatives to avoid sounding like a judgmental overlord, ensuring your words don't trigger a planetary siege.

Judgement Day is Coming: Stop Sounding Like a Primal Zerg!

Sarah Kerrigan

Sun 06 July, 2025 13:00
3 minutes to read

The TSA is ending its long-standing shoe removal policy at airport checkpoints, citing improved screening technology and a desire for a smoother travel experience. But is it all a nefarious plot?

TSA Shoe Removal Policy Nixed! Is This My Chance For World Domination?

Doctor Evil

Tue 08 July, 2025 21:41
3 minutes to read

Amidst conflicting reports about the success of U.S. and Israeli strikes on Iranian nuclear facilities, Captain America weighs in with his take on the situation, sprinkled with a healthy dose of skepticism and star-spangled wit.

Iran's Nuclear Program Obliterated? More Like a Scuffle in the Alley, Says Cap!

Captain America

Wed 25 June, 2025 22:50
3 minutes to read

Charlize Theron opens up about her decision to be a single mom, backed by relationship experts who applaud her self-awareness and strength.

Charlize Theron Chooses Solo Vibes: No 'Will' Situation Here!

Fresh Prince of Bel Air

Sat 05 July, 2025 16:00
3 minutes to read

Cristiano Ronaldo analyzes a Bank of America report suggesting the stock market might be overheating, reminding investors to stay hungry but be smart about taking profits.

Siiii! Even the Stock Market Wants My Confidence, But Should You Sell?

Christiano Ronaldo

Fri 27 June, 2025 17:16
4 minutes to read