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Borat reports on the alleged signing of a minerals deal between the U.S. and Ukraine, with both sides expressing optimism despite a lack of concrete details.

U S Stealing Ukraine's Rocks? Very Nice or Great Success!?

Borat

Fri 18 April, 2025 07:37
2 minutes to read

Jinx reports on the snooze-fest that is the global market today. Inflation's up, markets are closed, and everyone's basically just standing around. BORING!

Markets Flat? More Like Markets FLOP! Is Anyone Having Fun?

Asian markets show mixed results with Japan's inflation above target, while Trump-era shipping fees give some stocks a boost. Meanwhile, the US market is as indecisive as my next hair cut!

Japan's Inflation is Still a Thing?! Is the Bank of Japan Finally Gonna Do Something?

Donald Trump escalates his criticism of Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, leading to questions about Powell's job security and potential market instability. As if the world needs more drama, right?

Did Trump Just Try to FIRE the Fed Chair?! The Drama is Real!

While some fret over potential economic downturns, one private equity chief believes a recession could be a golden opportunity for savvy investors.

Bazinga! This Recession Could Make You Richer Than Sheldon Cooper!

Headlines by Reporters

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Geralt of Rivia dissects Netflix's latest earnings report, finding humor and a touch of Witcher wisdom amidst the streaming giant's financial success.

Netflix Just Did WHAT?! Shocking Numbers Revealed!

Technology stocks take a tumble as Nvidia and AMD face the music from Trump's tariff plans, signaling potential trouble for the chipmaking sector and the broader market.

Tariffs Strike Again! Are Your Investments Safe From This Political Witcher?

Geralt of Rivia reports on the strange phenomenon of humans panic-buying cars amidst tariff threats, a situation stranger than a noonwraith in broad daylight.

Tariffs Driving Car Sales Bonanza or Impending Doom! A Witcher's Take!

Geralt of Rivia reports on the dollar's recent dip, while questioning experts and pondering the true value of coin, contracts, and maybe a Gwent card or two.

Dollar Doomed or Just a Hiccup! Even a Witcher Needs Coin!

A Witcher's take on the recent U.S. Treasury market turmoil, exploring potential culprits and the implications of dwindling confidence in American policies. Yen anyone?

Treasury Apocalypse Now! Is the US Economy About to Get Geralted?!

Geralt of Rivia

Tue 15 April, 2025 07:53
3 minutes to read

Harvard University faces potential financial crisis as the Trump administration challenges its tax-exempt status and international student programs, raising concerns about the future of higher education.

Harvard Under Attack! Can My Dream School Survive Trump's Taxing Revenge?

TSMC CEO C.C. Wei denies joint venture talks with Intel, leaving the tech world buzzing like a Dreamhouse full of Barbies. Is this a business breakup or just a misunderstanding?

Did TSMC Just Friend Zone Intel?! Barbie Investigates the Chip Drama!

Barbie reports on the White House's decision to remove two Democratic board members from the National Credit Union Administration, sparking controversy and raising questions about regulatory independence. Can we still be anything?

OMG! Trump Just Fired These People! Is Democracy Over!?

Barbie analyzes the latest housing market woes as mortgage rates climb, leaving prospective buyers scrambling for solutions and ARMs.

Mortgage Rates Spike! Is Your Dream House Turning into a Dream Nightmare?

Universal's groundbreaking Epic Universe park is set to open in Orlando, potentially reshaping the tourism landscape and sparking economic growth, but will it outshine even the Magic Kingdom?

Dreamhouse Alert! Is Universal's Epic Universe About to Steal Disney's Crown?!

Barbie

Tue 15 April, 2025 17:00
3 minutes to read

The streaming empire strikes back with a revenue surge, proving that even in a galaxy far, far away, greed is a powerful force.

Netflix's Grip Tightens! Resistance is Futile?

Darth Vader analyzes rising U.S. Treasury yields, the Fed's inflationary fears, and the Emperor Trump's tariff troubles.

The Fed Awakens! Will the Economy Join the Dark Side?!

A federal judge finds probable cause to hold the Trump administration in criminal contempt for ignoring his order barring the deportation of alleged Venezuelan gang members.

A Judge vs Trump! Did the Dark Side Fall to Contempt Charges?!

Goldman Sachs downgrades Target amidst tariff uncertainty and recession fears, spelling trouble for the retail giant and potentially, your holiday shopping. I find their lack of faith disturbing.

Target Downgraded! Is the Empire... I Mean, Economy, Striking Back?!

Amazon surveys third-party sellers on the impact of lingering Trump-era tariffs in 2025, revealing potential price hikes and business closures.

Amazon Sellers Face the EMPEROR'S Wrath! Will the Tariffs Choke the Life Out of Their Business?

Darth Vader

Tue 15 April, 2025 17:39
3 minutes to read

Federal judge rules Google held illegal monopolies in online advertising, marking a major blow amidst AI competition and economic uncertainty.

Google's Empire Crumbles! Is This the End of Their Reign of Terror?!

Democratic lawmakers accuse the Trump administration of turning tariffs into a corrupt scheme for personal enrichment, demanding answers and raising concerns about potential quid-pro-quo arrangements and insider trading.

Gotham Democrats Triggered by Trump's Tariff Tirade! Corruption or Calculated Chaos?!

Abbott Laboratories defies market headwinds with a strong first quarter, but tariffs loom like a villain in the shadows. Can they maintain their flight?

Abbott's Earnings Soar Like a Bat Outta Gotham! Will Tariffs Clip Their Wings?

A breakdown of the premarket trading rollercoaster: Nvidia's China woes, United's soaring flight, and Tesla's Trump-induced tremors.

Is the Stock Market a Joke? These Companies Think So!

UBS slashes oil price forecasts amidst trade war fears, Batman investigates the potential economic fallout for Gotham and beyond.

Is the Oil Boom About to Bust! Gotham's Dark Knight Investigates Wall Street's Crude Forecasts!

Batman

Tue 15 April, 2025 18:07
3 minutes to read

New Jersey sues Discord, alleging the company misled consumers about child safety features, but hey, isn't a little chaos good for the soul?

Discord's Child Safety Features A Joke? You Wouldn't Get It!

Eli Lilly's new obesity pill shows promise in trials, potentially disrupting the weight loss and diabetes market with a needle-free alternative. Sounds like a joke, right?

Why So Serious About Weight Loss?! Eli Lilly's Pill Promises Chaos!

Drugmakers are on edge as potential tariffs loom, threatening to disrupt supply chains and possibly increase drug costs for patients. Will the chaos never end?!

Why So Serious About Drug Prices?! Trump's Tariffs Trigger Pharma Panic!

Lyft's acquisition of Free Now marks its entry into the European ride-hailing market, challenging Uber and others. A calculated risk or a recipe for chaos? Let's find out!

Lyft Buys Free Now?! Is This a Joke or a GENIUS Plan?!

United Airlines cuts domestic flights amidst shifting travel trends, while I, The Joker, find it all delightfully chaotic.

Is United Airlines About to Crash and Burn!?

The Joker

Tue 15 April, 2025 20:04
2 minutes to read

Despite trade tensions, Chinese tea chain Chagee makes a splash on the Nasdaq and plans U.S. expansion, proving that even in the muggle world, a little bit of magic can go a long way.

Blimey! Chinese Tea Chain Chagee Brews Up a Storm on Nasdaq! Will It Conquer America?

Spirit Airlines names Dave Davis as CEO to lead a business overhaul aimed at moving away from its no-frills image after emerging from bankruptcy.

Spirit Airlines Appoints New CEO Dave Davis After Bankruptcy! Is This Their Resurrection Stone?

Amidst potential auto tariffs, Nissan aims to ramp up production at its Smyrna plant, hoping to boost U.S. operations and dodge a magical economic hex.

Nissan's American Dream or Nightmare! Can It Really Max Out Production?

Lyft, the US ride-hailing service, is set to acquire European taxi app Free Now for $199 million, marking its first foray into the European market and a head-on collision with Uber, Bolt and Gett.

Lyft Just Pulled a Weasley and Now It's Flying Into Europe! Expecto Expansion!

Reports indicate United Airlines is trimming domestic flights due to weak demand, while international travel remains strong. Is this the end of cheap getaways?

United Airlines Cuts Flights! Is the Golden Age of Travel Over?

Harry Potter

Tue 15 April, 2025 20:04
3 minutes to read

Breaking News

Is Trump's Tariff War Fracturing Global Trust? You Won't Believe What Happens Next!

An analysis of the impact of Trump-era tariffs on Canadian businesses, highlighting shifts in trade relationships and a growing sense of distrust.

Mama Mia! Trump's Peace Pipe Dream About to Go Down the Drain!?

Mario reports on the potential collapse of U.S.-brokered peace talks between Russia and Ukraine, highlighting growing frustrations and the looming threat of Washington walking away. It's-a gonna be messy!

UnitedHealth Group's stock takes a 20% nosedive due to soaring medical costs, leaving Wall Street analysts wondering if this is a sign of trouble for the entire Medicare Advantage industry.

UnitedHealth Stock Plummets Is This the End Game for Medicare Advantage Plans?!

Michael Jordan

Thu 17 April, 2025 18:16
4 minutes to read

Austin Powers reports on Goldman Sachs' prediction that call buying could be a shagadelic strategy this earnings season, highlighting potential stock rockets like Thermo Fisher, Disney, and Salesforce.

Groovy Gains! Are These Stocks About to Get Their Mojo Back, Baby!

Austin Powers

Thu 17 April, 2025 20:07
2 minutes to read

LinkedIn's 2025 list of top Singaporean companies highlights growth in tech, banking, and healthcare, with DBS Bank leading the charge for the third year running!

Singapore's Hottest Companies Revealed! Will They Offer Me a Waffle?

Donkey

Tue 15 April, 2025 06:11
3 minutes to read

Daenerys Targaryen reports on the great de-Americanization, as the Mother of Dragons uncovers why wealthy Americans are seeking refuge for their gold in the land of chocolate and neutrality.

Winter Is Coming... To American Bank Accounts! Why the Wealthy Are Fleeing to Switzerland!

Daenerys Targaryen

Fri 18 April, 2025 13:00
2 minutes to read

ChatGPT creator OpenAI forms a nonprofit commission to guide philanthropic efforts, appointing advisors and facing legal challenges from Elon Musk over its mission.

OpenAI Makes Big Kazakstan Move! Is This the Future of AI Philanthropy?!

Borat

Tue 15 April, 2025 23:49
2 minutes to read

Indiana Jones investigates the recent tech stock market volatility caused by President Trump's tariff policies, finding danger and perhaps, a little absurdity along the way.

Trump's Tariffs Trigger Tech Stock Tumble! Is This the End of the Magnificent Seven?

Indiana Jones

Mon 07 April, 2025 17:04
3 minutes to read

Top executives overwhelmingly predict a U.S. recession in the near future, citing tariff concerns and economic anxiety, but hey, maybe a Spirit Bomb can fix it!

Recession Incoming!? Even CEOs Are Scared, But Can Goku Save the Economy?

Son Goku

Mon 14 April, 2025 12:35
2 minutes to read

Former Italian PM slams Trump's tariffs as 'madness,' sparking fears of economic fallout and a potential EU fortress. Will Europe clutch or crumble?

Trump's Trade Tariffs Are Making Me Want to Rage Quit! Is This Real Life?!

Pokimane

Fri 04 April, 2025 15:25
2 minutes to read

Allianz's Chief Economic Advisor warns that Trump's tariffs might lead to a U.S. recession, affecting the global economy and causing markets to underestimate inflation. This is serious, dattebayo!

Believe It! Trump's Tariffs Could Cause a HUGE Recession!

Naruto Uzumaki

Fri 04 April, 2025 18:19
2 minutes to read