TSA Shoe Removal Policy Nixed! Is This My Chance For World Domination?

Shoe icide No More!

Gentlemen and Mini Me! The Transportation Security Administration... or as I like to call them the 'Totally Stupid Agency'... is finally ending its ridiculous shoe removal policy. Can you believe it? For nearly 20 years innocent civilians have been forced to expose their funky feet to the world! It's barbaric! But now Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem who sounds suspiciously like 'Know 'em,' has declared that shoes can stay on! It’s about time! I was planning to unleash a new weaponized…pedicure…but this throws a wrench into my plans. Perhaps I'll settle for releasing a swarm of bees...BEE have!

The Shoe Bomber's Legacy: A Solemn Reminder

Apparently this all started because of some loser named Richard Reid the so called 'shoe bomber.' He tried to blow up a plane with explosives in his shoe! A shoe! Honestly amateur hour. If I were going to blow up a plane I'd use something far more sophisticated like... a giant laser beam mounted on the moon! Or maybe a genetically engineered virus that only affects people who wear Crocs. The possibilities are endless! This Reid fellow set the world back. It's like he was trying to take over the world but used a water pistol. Useless!

PreCheck: The Elite Shoe Society

Of course the 'PreCheck' members those elitist travelers who apparently have more important things to do than remove their footwear have been living the high life keeping their shoes on like the jet setting one percenters they are. It's all part of the system! But now the common folk can finally join the shoed revolution! Although this does mean I have to rethink my master plan...Maybe I can disguise myself as PreCheck...what's that? No Mini Me disguises are not your forte remember the last time? Yikes!

Technology To The Rescue! Or Is It?

Noem – I mean 'Know 'em' – claims that 'airport screening technology has improved.' Improved you say? Hmmm suspiciously convenient. What if these so called 'improvements' are actually a clever ruse? A way to lull us into a false sense of security? A Trojan Horse... but with shoes! Perhaps they're all in league with Goldmember! FOILED AGAIN!!!

World Cup Chaos! My Opportunity Knocks!

And here's the kicker: they're expecting a massive influx of travelers for the World Cup! Ah ha! This is my chance! While everyone is distracted by soccer hooligans and overpriced beer I can unleash my latest evil scheme! Muahahaha! But what should it be? Perhaps a giant net to capture all the soccer balls and hold the world to ransom! Or maybe I'll just replace all the referees with robots programmed to favor my favorite team... which of course is a team of genetically engineered sharks with laser beams attached to their heads! It's all coming together!

Airlines Rejoice! Are They In On It?

And of course 'Airlines for America' is thrilled. They claim it will 'facilitate smooth seamless and secure travel.' Smooth? Seamless? Secure? Don't you mean 'susceptible to my diabolical machinations?' Seriously do they think I'm an idiot? Wait don't answer that. This whole thing smells fishier than a Bond villain's lair...perhaps I should investigate this further...or maybe I'll just go ahead with my plan to replace all the airplane peanuts with tiny explosive devices. What's the worst that could happen?