Giggity! Global Stocks Soar While Trump's Tariffs Flop Like Meg at a Dance

Holy Crap the World's Gone Bananas!

Alright alright settle down you crazy kids! Peter Griffin here your friendly neighborhood newsman reporting live from my couch! Turns out while Trump's been busy slapping tariffs on everything like Lois slaps me after I've had one too many Pawtucket Patriot Ales global stocks have been going absolutely bonkers! They're reaching record highs like the number of times I've tripped over that damn ottoman! Giggity!

Europe's Winning? What the Deuce?

So get this those fancy pants Europeans are actually doing BETTER than us! Greece Poland Czech Republic and Spain are leading the pack. I didn't even know Greece was still a country! I thought they were all busy eating feta and breaking plates. Seems their economy is recovering like I recover after a night of heavy drinking – slowly and with a lot of regrets. And they're repaying their debts early... unlike me with my overdue library books! Hehehe... Remember the time I tried to start my own country in the backyard? It didn't end well.

Trump's Trade War: More Like a Trade SNOW War!

Some fancy pants financial guy Peter Boockvar (sounds like a character from Star Wars!) says Trump's trade war is why Europe's doing so well. Apparently everyone's losing confidence in American assets because Trump's policymaking is more erratic than my driving! 'Roadhouse!' I screamed right before I drove into the Quahog Clam Shack. Seriously folks maybe we should let someone else drive for a while.

Asia's Got a Mixed Bag Like a Stewie Diaper

Over in Asia it's a real mixed bag like a bag of jelly beans that also has licorice in it. South Korea is kicking butt and taking names despite Trump slapping a tariff on them! They're like 'Bring it on Trump! We'll just sell more K Pop!' Meanwhile Thailand and Turkey are at the bottom of the barrel probably because they're not as good at dancing in synchronized routines. Remember when I was a backup dancer for James Brown? Oh man those were the days!

The Losers: More Like Lame os!

Thailand's stock market is down faster than I can eat a bucket of fried chicken! Political turmoil corruption scandals and economic woes – it's like they're living in an episode of Family Guy! And Turkey? Well they've got political repression and runaway inflation. Sounds like my last Thanksgiving dinner with Lois's family! 'Aw geez Lois can't we just order pizza?'

In Conclusion: Don't Panic! (Unless You're Turkey)

So what does all this mean? Well 2025 has been a pretty good year for stocks despite everything. As some other smart person said 'don't be surprised if investment markets continue to overcome headwinds and do well' and who knows maybe Trump will trip and fall on some trade tariffs...I'd pay to see that!