Netflix Says: Why So Theatrical? A Joker's Commentary

The Outdated Model? Oh Come On!

Netflix bless their digital hearts thinks movie theaters are *so* last century. 'Outdated,' they say! Like a good knock knock joke or the sanity of Gotham's finest. They've lured the big names – Scorsese Cuarón even that Bong Joon ho fella – to make flicks *exclusively* for the little screen. No big dramatic premieres? No lines around the block? Just pure unadulterated streaming chaos! Why so serious Hollywood?

Talent Magnet: Freedom and Finances My Kind of Town!

Apparently Netflix is offering these creative types something juicier than a Harvey Dent press conference: creative freedom and bags of money. 'An irresistible combination,' some fancy analyst drones on. And who am I to argue? Money and chaos? That's practically my brand! It seems Netflix has money to burn which is nice because some people just want to watch the world burn and Netflix is happy to provide the gasoline.

Why So Theatrical? Because MONEY!

Oh those stuffy analysts keep bleating about how Netflix is leaving money on the table. That releasing movies in theaters *before* streaming supposedly boosts viewership. Blah blah blah. Ted Sarandos that delightful rule breaker isn't buying it. Why share the wealth with those dusty old cinemas when you can hoard it all for yourself? 'It would be potentially money losing,' he says. Smart man! Who needs a box office when you can just count the subscribers? Besides what do these analysts know? They're just part of the machine. And as I know you can't rely on the machine.

Marketing Mayhem: Save a Buck Make a Million!

Skipping theaters saves Netflix a *fortune* on marketing. Imagine millions saved! Money they can use to... well probably make more movies about sad clowns. It's all about viewership baby! Netflix doesn't care about how much money a movie makes in theaters. As long as enough people click 'play,' they're laughing all the way to the bank. Which bank? Doesn't matter. They're all gonna be robbed eventually. HAHAHA!

Netflix's Offer? An Offer You Can't Refuse! (Almost)

Netflix is waving around fat stacks of cash and suddenly everyone forgets about the magic of the silver screen. They're signing deals faster than you can say 'chaos is a ladder.' And why not? Who needs a cramped theater when you can have a personalized viewing experience in your pajamas? It's all part of the plan folks. A beautiful chaotic plan. Tell your friends.

Wall Street's Watching: Maybe They Need a Smile

Wall Street seems perfectly happy with Netflix's little game. Stock prices are soaring! Revenue projections are through the roof! And me? I'm just sitting here watching the world burn and thinking 'Maybe these Wall Street boys just need a little... *encouragement*.' Perhaps a visit from yours truly? I could bring a pie. Or maybe a surprise party... with a *bang*!