Goldman Sachs Sell-Off: One MILLION Dollars!

One MILLION Dollars! (Almost)

Mwahahaha! Doctor Evil here reporting live from my secret volcano lair! I've just gotten wind of this... this *Jim Cramer* and his 'Charitable Trust' selling off a measly 20 shares of Goldman Sachs. $717 a share they say? That's like...almost one MILLION dollars! (Okay maybe not but still... impressive). They think they're being so clever rebalancing their portfolio. Fools!

Overbought? More Like Over My Dead Body!

This 'S & P Short Range Oscillator' – sounds like something a henchman would use to find my misplaced white Persian cat. Apparently it's flashing red screaming 'OVERBOUGHT!' These amateurs are worried about a pullback. I laugh in the face of pullbacks! When the market dips I buy more then unleash my genetically engineered sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads to take over Wall Street!

Goldman Sachs: My Precious!

So Goldman Sachs is up 26% this year? Good. Good! That means my plan to infiltrate their board with Mini Me clones is working perfectly! M&A and IPOs are back? Excellent! More opportunities for me to… acquire… companies… for… evil! (I really need to work on my euphemisms.)

28% Gain? I Make That in My Sleep!

A 28% gain!?! Pathetic! My investments yield at least...let me see...carry the two...infinity percent. At least! And I didn't need some 'Investing Club' to tell me when to buy and sell. I have Number Two! He's… good at numbers. (Most of the time.)

Terms and Conditions? Privacy Policy? Yawn!

These guys have Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policies. I have… a pit filled with mutated sea bass! Try breaching MY privacy policy! *laughs maniacally* Seriously though read the fine print. You never know when someone's trying to pull a fast one on you...unless it's me in which case you should definitely let me pull a fast one.

The Real Plan: Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams

But here's the *real* story: this Goldman Sachs sell off is just a distraction. While everyone is focused on this minor fluctuation I will be enacting Phase Two of my master plan: replacing all the world's currency with pictures of cats playing the keyboard. By controlling the world's cuteness supply I will achieve global domination! Mwahahaha!