One Big Beautiful Mess: Trump's Bill Barely Survives, Planet Express Budget Next?

House Passes Bill: WUP WUP WUP!

Alright meatbags Leela here reporting live from... well not exactly the front lines but close enough. The House of Representatives just squeezed through President Trump's 'One Big Beautiful Bill.' Beautiful for who? That's what I'd like to know! It was a real nail biter with the vote ending 218 214. Even two Republicans had the sense to vote against it. Now it's off to Trump's desk where he'll probably sign it with a golden Sharpie while riding a bald eagle. Why not? It's 3024. Anything's possible! Reminds me of the time Fry tried to pass a bill to legalize Popplers. Good intentions bad results!

Trillions of Dollars and Not a Single Pizza?

This so called 'beautiful' bill is packed with trillions in tax cuts and beefed up immigration enforcement. But here's the kicker: it pays for it by slashing Medicaid and other programs. Sounds like a Professor Farnsworth invention gone wrong! Good news everyone! We can afford more spaceships but you might have to sell your kidney to pay for a checkup! The Republicans are all high fiving but some of them are sweating about the U.S. deficits this thing is going to cause. Apparently even they can't live on advertising revenue alone.

House Drama: Hours of Delays But Why?

It wasn't all smooth sailing folks. Five Republicans initially threw a wrench into the gears causing 'hours of delays.' Can you imagine waiting in line at the DMV for that long? I'd rather fight a space slug! Eventually after some heavy persuasion from House Speaker Mike Johnson and Trump himself four of them caved. Word on the street is they were promised lifetime supplies of Slurm Loco. You know the kind that makes you say 'Wimmy wham wham wozzle!' I knew politics was a dirty game but this is just ridiculous.

Jeffries' Epic Speech: A Chainsaw Massacre of Legislation

Meanwhile the Democrats are throwing a hissy fit saying this bill will benefit the rich while kicking low income folks off their health insurance. House Minority Leader Jeffries went on a rant calling it a 'chainsaw to Social Security Medicare Medicaid...' You get the picture. He spoke for eight hours and 44 minutes! That's longer than it takes Fry to understand quantum physics! I guess some people really do want to express themselves no matter the cost. Reminds me of the time I had to listen to Zapp Brannigan's memoirs. *shudders*

Republicans Defend: It's All About Cutting Waste!

The Republicans are singing a different tune. They claim the Medicaid changes will cut waste fraud and abuse. Sure and Zoidberg's a respected economist! They're also adding work requirements for eligibility. Sounds like a great way to punish people for being poor! As if finding a job in this economy isn't hard enough already especially when you only have one eye and a bad attitude. But hey at least they're consistent right?

Debt Doom: A $3.4 Trillion Problem?

And here's the kicker: the Congressional Budget Office is warning that this bill could add $3.4 trillion to the already massive national debt. That's enough to buy a whole fleet of Planet Express ships... or maybe just pay off Bender's bar tab. The White House is calling the CBO 'partisan,' but let's be honest everyone's got an agenda. As Fry would say 'Shut up and take my money!' But seriously folks this could get ugly. We might all end up living in cardboard boxes and eating Soylent Green. And nobody wants that!