Trump's Tariff Tantrums: Are We All Gonna End Up Living in a Cardboard Box?

Tariff ic News Everyone's Screwed!

Good news everyone! President Trump is still playing with tariffs like they're action figures and guess who's paying the price? That's right you me and even Zoidberg (though he's probably used to being screwed). According to some survey by Zety – never heard of 'em must be from one of those backwards planets – about 78% of us are worried that these tariffs are gonna make it harder to pay off our debts. So basically we're all one bad loan away from living in a cardboard box under the Brooklyn Queens Expressway. WOOO!

Two Thousand Dollarydoos? That's Highway Robbery!

These tariffs are gonna make everyday stuff more expensive says some fancy pants report from Yale. They're saying it could cost us Earthicans an average of $2,000 per household by 2025. $2,000! That's enough to buy like ten Slurm Locos! Or maybe a new eye for me so I can finally see in 3D! Of course with only one eye it'd just be extra blurry. Hmm maybe I'll stick with the Slurm Loco.

The Fed's Frozen...Like Fry After a Cryo Nap!

Even the Federal Reserve is scared stiff! Chairman Jerome Powell (whoever he is) admitted that they would have cut interest rates if it weren't for Trump's tariff shenanigans. So thanks to those tariffs we're stuck with high credit card rates. Great! It's like being trapped in a time paradox – except instead of meeting your own grandmother you're just drowning in debt.

Financial First Aid: Don't Panic (Yet)!

Okay okay so we're all doomed. But before you start selling your body for robot oil there's still hope! Some financial gurus are saying we need to build a "financial foundation." Yeah easier said than done when you're delivering packages for a living and fighting off space pirates every Tuesday. But hey at least we have Tuesdays off! Here's some tips to try not to end up being fed into Calculon!

Beg Like Bender: Ask For a Lower Rate!

First try groveling! Call up your lender or credit card company and beg them for a lower interest rate. Tell them you're a single cyclopsian woman just trying to make a living in a crazy world! Maybe they'll take pity on you. Or you know just laugh and hang up. Either way it's worth a shot right? You have nothing to lose but your dignity. Unless you want to keep it of course.

Zero Percent? Now That's a Bargain!

Next look into a 0% balance transfer card. It's like finding a winning lottery ticket in a dumpster! You can move your debt to a new card and pay little to no interest for a while. Just make sure you read the fine print or you might end up owing more than you started with. Like that time I tried to get rich quick by investing in MomCorp stock. Don't ask.