Good News, Everyone! Wall Street's Doing the Hokey Pokey!

S&P 500: Basically Flat? More Like Bender After a Bender!

Alright Planet Express crew your favorite one eyed captain here Leela reporting live from the financial circus! The S&P 500 was flatter than Fry's IQ score yesterday. Apparently there's some hullabaloo about investors doing the old switcheroo – dumping their shiny new stocks for the dusty old ones. It's like trading a perfectly good eye for... well nothing if you're me. This whole thing reminds me of that time Bender tried to become a folk singer. Short lived and ultimately pointless!

Rotation Rotation Rotation! Is This the Harlem Globetrotters?

This "rotation" thing they're talking about? It's like when Professor Farnsworth tries to invent something useful – lots of spinning little actual progress. They're ditching GE Vernova and Eaton (who?) for Dover and DuPont (who again?). Honestly it sounds like a list of ingredients for a really depressing Slurm Loco. Even Jim Cramer is scratching his head and that's saying something! Remember kids always double check before you sell especially if you find a golden parachute.

Trump's Tariff Tantrum: Shut Up and Take My Money… Wait No!

And just when things couldn't get weirder President Trump decides to channel his inner Zoidberg and slap tariffs on everything! Up to 200% on pharmaceutical imports? 50% on copper? It's enough to make even a cyclops see double! The health care bounce lost steam faster than Fry trying to understand quantum physics. If tariffs keep rising maybe we should invest in Planet Express delivery service because we'll be the only ones importing reasonably priced goods!

Nvidia's Soaring: Can't We Just Get Beyond Thunderdome?

But hold on to your hats folks! While everyone else is playing musical chairs Nvidia's stock is going bonkers zooming towards a $4 trillion valuation. It's like they found the secret to unlimited dark matter… or maybe they're just selling Bender upgrades. Either way they're making enough money to buy out MomCorp. Someone get Calculon on the phone he might want to buy a share to save his acting career.

Amazon's Prime Day Blues: Have You Tried Turning It Off and On Again?

And now for the bad news: Amazon's Prime Day sales are down. Down! It's like finding out Nibbler hasn't been eating enough Nibblonians. Apparently sales are 14% lower according to some data people. Cramer is calling Amazon and Costco the "keeper of prices" which is funny cause I'm still struggling to pay my bills. Maybe they should offer Planet Express employees a discount? This could be a problem worse than Y2K!

What's Next? More Meetings Than You Can Shake a Tentacle At!

So what's next for Wall Street? More meetings than you can shake a tentacle at that's what! Plus some mortgage mumbo jumbo and Fed meeting minutes. As for me I'm going to go see if I can find a stock that actually makes sense. Maybe I should just invest in a giant ball of garbage at least then I know what I'm getting. Good news everyone! I am going for a nap.