Holy Motherboard! CoreWeave's Revenue Soars Higher Than Hermes Conrad's Limbo Skills!

420% Growth? That's Higher Than Fry on Slurm!

Good news everyone! Planet Express's own Turanga Leela here reporting live from the front lines of the future future! CoreWeave these guys who rent out brainy computers for A.I. stuff just dropped their first earnings report since going public and let me tell you it's wilder than a Professor Farnsworth invention! Their revenue? Up a whopping 420%! That's like way more than the number of times Bender's tried to kill all humans. They pulled in $981.6 million which is apparently way better than what those LSEG eggheads predicted. Take that nerds!

Losses? Sweet Zombie Jesus!

But hold your horses (or your Omicronians) folks. It ain't all sunshine and daisies. Turns out they lost $314.6 million. Yep you heard that right. More red ink than a Robot Santa rampage. Turns out giving stock options to people costs money who knew? I guess even in the future you can't have your cake and eat it too unless you're Zoidberg scavenging for scraps in a dumpster.

More Money Than Calculon's Bank Account!

But don't get your tentacles in a twist just yet! These guys are still aiming high. They're predicting even *more* growth for the next quarter and for next year? Forget about it! They're talking about raking in $4.9 to $5.1 BILLION in 2025. That's enough to buy Planet Express a whole new fleet of...well Planet Expresses! It's enough to make even Mr. Burns say 'Excellent!'

OpenAI: CoreWeave's Cash Cow

Turns out OpenAI the folks behind that chatbot that keeps trying to write my reports for me (and failing miserably I might add) is a big fan. They signed a five year deal worth up to $11.9 billion. That's a lot of whale oil! Microsoft is in on it too. But CoreWeave says they're trying to get customers from more places which sounds like a good idea. Don't want to put all your eggs (or your giant space worms) in one basket know what I mean?

Power Hungry

But all this growth needs juice! And I'm not talking about Tang. We're talking serious power for their data centers. They added 300 megawatts of power this quarter but they say they need way more by the end of the year. So fingers crossed they don't cause a city wide blackout. I've seen what happens when the lights go out in New New York and trust me you don't want to know.

Range Bound? Bite My Shiny Metal Axe!

So what's the bottom line? Well Wall Street's being a bit wishy washy. Some folks are excited some are worried about the economy and the whole AI shebang. But honestly I've seen weirder things happen on a Tuesday. My advice? Keep an eye on these guys. They might just be the next big thing...or they might end up like that time Fry tried to invent a new flavor of Slurm. Either way it's gonna be a wild ride! Leela out!