Holy Chalupas! Crypto Execs Getting Zapped and Nabbed!

D'oh! Not the Crypto!

Good news everyone! Looks like the shiny metal posterior of the crypto world is getting a bit rusty. I'm talkin' 'bout kidnappings folks! Apparently snatching up crypto execs is the new craze and it's got people like this "Bitcoin Family" guy Didi Taihuttu (sounds like a reject from the Harlem Globetrotters am I right?) freaking out like Zoidberg at a seafood buffet. Seems he and his brood sold everything back when Bitcoin was cheap and now they're living like gypsies with digital gold. Figures.

Wallet Whereabouts Unknown!

So this Taihuttu guy is going full on paranoid. He's ditching hardware wallets – those fancy USB things Fry probably uses as a paperweight – and going for a hybrid system. Part digital part analog. Translation: He's splitting up his secret crypto passwords encrypting them and stashing 'em in places even Bender couldn't find after a bender. We're talking blockchain encryption hidden steel plates and enough international travel to make Hermes Conrad jealous! He told CNBC that even if you held him at gunpoint he couldn't give you more than what's on his phone (which is not a lot). "Shut up and take my money!" Fry

Finger Lickin' Criminals!

The article mentions some poor sap in France had his finger lopped off! A FINGER! Over crypto! I mean I've seen some messed up stuff in my day but that's just...ew. And some other poor schmuck was tortured in New York for 17 days over his Bitcoin password. Seventeen days! I bet he wishes he had a reset button like Bender does! I mean criminals these days. They're not happy with a simple bank robbery. They want to go after the digital stuff. Probably because it is shiny!

Do the Wallet Watusi!

Some CEO guy from Exodus JP Richardson is telling everyone to take security into their own hands. Self custody hardware wallets multi signature wallets the whole shebang. He's basically saying "Don't trust anyone!" Which let's be honest is pretty much my motto in life. I mean who can you trust in this crazy world? Unless you're Hermes Conrad and you have a wife who is good at taking care of your head in a jar.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Crypto!

Apparently even insurance companies are getting in on the action offering "kidnap and ransom" policies for crypto holders. So you can now insure yourself against getting turned into a human ATM. What a time to be alive...or at least paranoid. Taihuttu is skipping France entirely because his daughters were almost kidnapped. He is taking every single possible precaution.

Beam Me Up (To a Secure Location)!

So the Taihuttu family is splitting their password into four sets of six words and scattering them across the globe. Like some kind of digital treasure hunt. He even encrypts them further swapping out words to confuse would be hackers. It's like he's playing a real life video game except the stakes are real money and the final boss is a bunch of thugs with wire cutters. He wants to make 100 million with crypto. Good luck I guess. But remember kids just because you have access to cryptocurrency doesn't mean you should just abandon your life.