Good News Everyone! S&P 500 Reaches Record High!

A Bull Market Walks Into A Bar...

Alright meatbags Leela here reporting live from... well wherever you're reading this. Turns out the S&P 500 just hit a new record high! Can you believe it? It's like finding a perfectly good pizza in a dumpster – surprising but hey I'll take it! This bull market is creeping towards its third birthday which is about 989 days according to some nerds at Bespoke Investment Group. That’s almost long enough for Fry to learn how to do my job but not quite!

Not as Old as Professor Farnsworth

Now before you start picturing this bull market with dentures and a hover cane it's not *that* old. The one from 2009 to 2020 was practically immortal clocking in at 3,999 days with a 400% return. And the dot com bubble bull? Fuggedaboutit! That lasted almost 4,500 days. This current market though has been playing a dangerous game. Back in April it almost croaked dropping nearly 20%. One more percentage point and we’d have been saying “Good night sweet prince!” or something equally dramatic.

Smells Like a Comeback!

Frank Gretz from Wellington Shields (whoever *that* is) told CNBC that this recovery is “remarkable.” He said the “credentials for a low were there,” but even *he* was surprised by how strong it bounced back. It’s like when Zoidberg suddenly becomes a respected art critic – nobody saw it coming!

To the Moon!

And it might not be over yet! Apparently lots of stocks are joining the party and companies that rely on the economy doing well are… well doing well! It's enough to make a cyclops believe in miracles. Or at least a decent bonus this year.

Tariffs and Fed Rate Hikes? Oh My!

Of course there are still dark clouds on the horizon. We've got tariffs looming and the Federal Reserve playing games with interest rates. It's like trying to navigate the sewers of Old New York – you never know what kind of sludge you're going to run into. UBS global wealth management (fancy!) is playing it safe with a “neutral” view. Typical bureaucrats.

Icing on the Cake?

But David Lefkowitz from UBS (another one of those suits) says there’s hope. He thinks things will get better later this year as the economy adjusts to the tariffs (whatever that means). Plus if the Fed starts cutting rates again that could be “the icing on the cake.” Personally I prefer a good Bachelor Chow but hey to each their own! Just remember folks in the stock market as in life you gotta keep your eye peeled... unless you only have one in which case just keep your eye peeled.