Canada to Trump: Bite Our Shiny Metal Axe!

Not On My Watch Earthican!

Good news everyone! Your favorite one eyed captain is here to report on the latest intergalactic... uh I mean international kerfuffle. Apparently President Trump is still trying to convince Canada to become the 51st state. As if they'd want to trade maple syrup for... well I don't know what America has anymore besides oversized flags and questionable reality TV. Prime Minister Carney bless his pointy head told Trump flat out: "Canada is not for sale and won't be for sale ever." Take that you big lug!

Never Say... Oh Wait He Did

Trump never one to back down from a staring contest (or a bad spray tan) responded with a classic: "Never say never." Oh really? I've got a better one: "Wakka Wakka!" It's just as meaningful and twice as likely to confuse the heck out of him. Anyway the article goes on to say this all started with Trump's predecessor being a frequent target of Trump's ire. I guess some things never change just like Bender's need for electricity and Fry's undying love for Leela.

Trade Wars: So Hot Right Now

Trump seems to think America holds all the cards when it comes to trade. He was quoted saying "We don't have to sign deals. They have to sign deals with us. They want a piece of our market. We don't want a piece of their market." Oh please! I've seen better negotiating skills from Zoidberg trying to get a free shrimp cocktail. Remember folks the world doesn't revolve around America even if they think it does (which let's be honest they totally do).

Subsidizing? More Like Synergizing!

Before Carney even arrived Trump took to his social media platform to complain that the U.S. is "subsidizing Canada by $200 Billion Dollars a year." Apparently he thinks providing "FREE Military Protection" is some kind of charitable act. Last time I checked protecting your neighbors was just common decency not a business transaction. Maybe he should ask Calculon for some acting lessons on how to appear generous.

Economic Leeches and Socialist Regimes Oh My!

Commerce Secretary Lutnick took it a step further calling Canada an "economic leech" with a "socialist regime" that's "feeding off of America." Seriously? It sounds like something Bender would say after short circuiting. Canada's probably just jealous because they don't have as many strip clubs or robot wrestling leagues. But hey at least they've got universal healthcare which is more than I can say for some places I've been... *cough* Planet Amazonia *cough*.

Canadian Pride: Level Unlocked!

Despite Trump's best efforts to alienate them Canadians are standing their ground. Exports to the U.S. are down but exports to other countries are up. Turns out the world is bigger than just one giant orange tinged superpower. As the former U.S. ambassador to Canada said this meeting held high stakes for both leaders. Let's hope they can figure things out without resorting to a Bender style drinking contest.