Trump's Tariff Tantrums: Is Hollywood Next to Feel the Sting?

A Most Grievous Blow to the Arts Brian!

Good heavens Brian have you heard the latest? That oaf Trump is threatening to slap a 100% tariff on movies produced outside the U.S. One hundred percent! It's enough to make one choke on one's afternoon tea! Honestly the sheer audacity! I mean where does he get off? Does he think he's some sort of cinematic overlord? This is worse than the time Lois tried to dress me in a romper; at least that was only embarrassing for me. This is embarrassing for the entire bloody world!

Netflix and Chill? More Like Netflix and Panic!

Naturally the markets are having a right old hissy fit. Netflix and Paramount shares took a tumble which frankly serves them right. Their content has been utter drivel lately. Perhaps this tariff will force them to actually produce something worth watching. Although knowing them they'll probably just blame it on the foreigners and churn out another Adam Sandler vehicle. 'Freakin' sweet,' indeed. More like 'Freakin' awful.'

Oscars Under Siege!

The burning question of course is what happens to the Oscars? Will they scrap the Best Foreign Film category? Will all movies have to be set in America? Will American actors starring in international films be penalized? It's all so terribly dramatic! One can only imagine the chaos. Picture it: The Academy Awards but everyone's forced to watch 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' on repeat. The horror! The absolute horror!

Wall Street's Wobbly Walk

And as if the movie tariff wasn't enough Wall Street had a bit of a boo boo. The S&P 500 snapped its nine day winning streak the Dow Jones Industrial Average dipped and the Nasdaq Composite declined. Oh the humanity! Meanwhile Warren Buffett is apparently grooming some chap named Greg Abel to take over. Honestly it's like watching a geriatric game of musical chairs. I give it six months before Abel stages a coup and declares himself Emperor of Berkshire Hathaway.

Dolls and Pharmaceuticals: A Bizarre Medley

But wait there's more! Trump in his infinite wisdom downplayed supply shortages by suggesting girls could be 'very happy' with fewer dolls. What? Is he trying to start a revolution among the toddler set? And then there's the pharmaceutical industry which is apparently next in line for a tariff induced headache. This is all just a grand circus isn't it? A reality television show starring a tangerine tinted buffoon. It's enough to make one yearn for the simple days of world domination...before it was so dreadfully complicated.

Soccer Stocks and Sheer Lunacy

Finally we learn that soccer teams are worth billions. Who knew kicking a ball around could be so lucrative? And apparently some Chinese tech ETF is a better bet than U.S. technology stocks. Honestly the world has gone mad! Mad I tell you! Now if you'll excuse me I need to go plot my revenge on the world for subjecting me to this nonsense. Prepare yourselves for Stewie Griffin is about to unleash a tidal wave of diabolical schemes! Victory shall be mine! Eventually...