Waymo's Cheesesteak Dreams: Self-Driving Cars Invade Philadelphia!

Giggity Giggity! Waymo Hits the Road... Again!

Right settle down you simpering buffoons. It appears Waymo that Alphabet funded contraption is unleashing its robotic chariots upon the unsuspecting citizens of Philadelphia. Yes Philadelphia! A city of 'brotherly love' and presumably questionable hygiene. They claim it's all about 'mapping data' and 'evaluating technology'. I suspect world domination is the true motive naturally. Remember my plans to conquer the world? This is just another blip on the radar compared to my schemes!

Cheese Steaks and Software Glitches: A Match Made in... Hell?

According to Waymo's rather pedestrian statement on that infernal platform 'X' (formerly Twitter – honestly what is with these names?) Philadelphia is a 'National Treasure'. Well I suppose that's one way to describe a place famous for greasy sandwiches and screaming sports fans. They're talking about driving all over town from 'North Central to Eastwick'. Sounds delightful. Imagine these self driving monstrosities dodging rogue shopping carts and the occasional pigeon. Brian would probably try to hump one of the cars. Disgusting.

Human Drivers? What's the Bloody Point?

Initially these metal beasts will be driven by actual *humans*. Honestly the sheer incompetence! The point of autonomous vehicles is to eradicate the need for these fleshy sacks of error! It's like hiring a clown to perform brain surgery. Utterly pointless. They say it's to navigate the 'more complex parts' of Philadelphia. As if my designs for a temporal disruption device weren't complex enough!

From Philly to Global Domination: The Waymo Master Plan

This whole exercise is of course a prelude to offering a 'paid ride share service'. Oh joy! More competition for my own personal chauffeur Jeeves. And let's not forget the grand ambition. They're already gallivanting around Phoenix San Francisco and Los Angeles. Next stop: Atlanta Miami and Washington D.C. – by 2026 no less! The audacity! I need to accelerate my own plans. Perhaps a trip to S.C.H.M.I.T.T.Y.'s is in order to requisition some nefarious gadgets.

Alphabet's Wallet: As Empty as Peter Griffin's Head

Alphabet the puppet master behind this charade is under pressure to 'monetize artificial intelligence'. Well good luck with that. Apparently their 'Other Bets' segment which includes Waymo is bleeding money faster than Peter Griffin at a buffet. Billions lost! Perhaps they should try selling cheese steaks. They seem to be so enamored with the idea anyway. Maybe I should invest.

Curse You Waymo! And Curse You Philadelphia!

So there you have it. Waymo's invasion of Philadelphia is underway. A city ripe with historical significance... and now self driving cars. Let's just hope these machines don't develop a taste for cheesesteaks and become sentient. The world simply isn't ready for a robotic cheesesteak uprising. Now if you'll excuse me I have a ray gun to calibrate. Good day!