Eat Your Greens, You Bloated Gas Bags! Harvard Says Plants are the Key to Not Kicking the Bucket!

Harvard's Earth Shattering Discovery: Salad is Good!

Oh good heavens! Harvard researchers have apparently stumbled upon the most groundbreaking revelation since someone discovered fire – eating plants might actually be… beneficial? Yes you heard me those leafy green things Brian keeps munching on might be the key to not ending up like Herbert! I know shocking isn't it? This so called 'study,' published in *Nature Medicine* suggests a link between plant based diets and 'healthy aging.' Healthy aging you say? Well I never!

70 is the New 40 (If You're a Vegetarian Maybe)

Apparently these 'healthy agers' are defined as those poor souls over 70 who haven't succumbed to the sweet release of death by heart disease and can still remember where they left their dentures. The researchers tracked over 105,000 blithering idiots I mean participants between the ages of 39 and 69 – I should have been included despite being biologically only a few years of age to see if their mid life culinary choices impacted their overall wellness. Because let's face it what else do these eggheads have to do with their time?

The AHEI: Sounds Like a New Weapon of Mass Destruction!

Participants were graded on how well they followed eight eating patterns and the "Alternative Healthy Eating Index" or AHEI – honestly it sounds like a device I would use to enslave the world. But alas it's just a diet created by Harvard of course. The study revealed that those who scored highest on this AHEI thingy were 86% more likely to be sprightly at 70 and a staggering 2.2 times more likely to be kicking at 75. Now that's something worth noting! Better than my last venture for immortality.

The Dos and Don'ts: A Checklist for Avoiding the Grim Reaper

So what does this AHEI entail you ask? Prepare for a list that will make your average American choke on their cheeseburger. The 'dos' include stuffing your face with fruits vegetables whole grains legumes nuts unsaturated fats and a 'moderate' amount of low fat dairy. The 'don'ts'? Oh where to begin? Sugary beverages red meats trans fats sodium and – oh the horror! – processed meats. Frankly it sounds like a culinary prison sentence but I must concede for the sake of global domination I must persist with this information.

Plants: Not Just for Brian Anymore

The study concludes that "dietary patterns rich in plant based foods with moderate inclusion of healthy animal based foods may enhance overall healthy aging." So what they're saying is I should force Brian to share his rabbit food and maybe just maybe I'll live long enough to see the demise of Rupert! It's a win win really. Time to experiment on that buffoon I mean my beloved canine.

Buy a House? Maybe After You Buy Some Kale

And as a delightful if somewhat incongruous aside CNBC wants you to buy a house. Because apparently financial stability and kale consumption go hand in hand. Sign up for their course with a discount code! But honestly who has time for mortgages when there are world domination schemes to be hatched? Do they take that into account in the course? I think not.