Waymo's Whimsical Jaunt to Philly: A Griffin Family Commentary!

What the Deuce is Waymo Doing in Philadelphia?

Good heavens have you heard? Waymo that rather ambitious contraption of Alphabet's is venturing into Philadelphia! Apparently they're testing their self driving gizmos there. Philadelphia of all places. Why not Quahog? I'm sure Peter could provide ample...obstacles for their algorithms to navigate. Though knowing Peter he'd probably just try to race one while wearing his 'I Heart Beer' t shirt. I shudder at the thought. They say it's a 'city of love' and 'cheese that steaks.' Sounds rather messy doesn't it? I shall stick to my Earl Grey thank you very much.

Manually Driven Mayhem a Griffin's Point of View

Initially these automated chariots will be driven manually through the more 'complex' areas. 'Complex' being a euphemism for 'utterly chaotic,' I presume? One can only imagine the mayhem. It's like entrusting a toddler with a loaded diaper and a spray bottle – potentially disastrous. From North Central to Eastwick they'll be lurking. One hopes they've adequately prepared for the...unique driving styles one encounters in such locales. It's not all crumpets and tea parties you know.

Mapping the Madness: Data Collection Adventures

Their grand scheme involves collecting mapping data and evaluating how their 'Waymo Driver' (sounds like a character from a terribly written sci fi novel doesn't it?) handles the local infrastructure. Oh joy! Another company poking around in our collective digital underwear I mean lives. How utterly thrilling. I do hope they're prepared for the potholes the size of small cars and the questionable road markings. It's all part of Philadelphia's charm apparently. I'd rather take a trip to the Winchester Tavern with Brian any day.

Road Trips and Ride Sharing Dreams of a maniacal baby

Ah the inevitable quest for monetization! These 'road trips' are supposedly to gauge whether they can offer a paid ride share service. As if Ubers weren't terrifying enough now we have driverless death traps to contend with! The horror! One can envision the headlines: 'Autonomous Vehicle Plunges into Schuylkill River; Passengers Blame Algorithmic Error.' How delightful! I trust they've factored in the propensity for Philadelphians to jaywalk with reckless abandon.

From the Big Apple to the City of Brotherly Love

Waymo has been manually testing in New York – a 'first step' towards cracking the largest US city. Good luck with that! Have they tried parallel parking in Manhattan? It's an exercise in futility even for seasoned professionals. Then they applied for a permit to drive autonomously with a specialist. A specialist! I bet you I can do a better job while building a time machine and that is saying something.

The Bottom Line: Money Money Money!

Of course all this technological wizardry boils down to one thing: cold hard cash. Alphabet is feeling the pressure to make their AI products profitable. Because what else would you do with all that knowledge? Last year the Waymo segment lost $4.44 billion. Honestly if I were in charge I could turn that around in a week. Perhaps I should apply for the job? My qualifications include 'evil genius' and 'world domination aspirations'. I am pretty sure that sounds pretty good on a resume.