Griffin's Guide to Fintech Fortunes: Shift4 Soars, Upstart Gets a Boost, and Venmo Finally Grows Up!

Victory is Mine! And Shift4's Apparently.

Right then world! Stewie Griffin here your resident evil genius and financial guru (Brian won't stop yapping about Dogecoin honestly). Let's dissect this 'fintech' mumbo jumbo shall we? Shift4 Payments those blighters have seen their stock price skyrocket. Apparently they released some numbers that pleased the suits. Adjusted earnings of $1.07 per share? Good heavens even I could do better than that with a lemonade stand and a bit of strategic price gouging. This news is better than the time I finally managed to lock Brian in the closet using only a rubber band and my cunning intellect.

Upstart's Comeback: A Plot Thicker Than Lois's Stew.

Upstart Holdings a name as ambitious as my plans for world domination has also had a bit of a resurgence. Bank of America those stuffy lot upgraded them. It's like when Mort Goldman actually manages to sell something at his pharmacy – utterly astounding! Apparently their loan portfolio is diversifying. Prime loans HELOCs auto loans… It's all quite boring really. But investors are apparently pleased. Though 28% of their shares are shorted according to Bloomberg. I do wonder if that's due to my constant meddling.

Venmo's Vindication: It's About Time!

PayPal... Oh PayPal. It's like Chris trying to explain quantum physics. Mostly confusing with moments of utter brilliance. Revenue was a bit short of the mark but Venmo that darling app of millennials finally seems to be pulling its weight. Revenue rose 20% year over year! Twenty percent! That's almost as impressive as my IQ... almost. Venmo's volume is up and they are making bank. Finally it's about time they stop sending money for avocado toast and actually make a decent profit.

Mizuho's Musings: Tea Leaves and Stock Tips.

Those analysts at Mizuho they're like the Quahog fortune teller only slightly more reliable. They think PayPal will rebound despite the initial negative reaction. Something about 'branded total payment volume' and 'macroeconomic uncertainty'. Honestly it all sounds like something Brian would pontificate about after too much sherry. But if they're saying it's good I suppose we should humor them. Wouldn't want them interfering with my hostile takeover of Hasbro.

Full Year Follies: Guidance and Groans.

PayPal is sticking to its full year total payment volume growth target. That's... reassuring I suppose. Though keeping earnings per share guidance unchanged despite a lower tax rate which could remain a drag on sentiment. Honestly these details are so tedious. Can't we just skip to the part where I'm a billionaire and ruling the world?

In Conclusion: Financial Shenanigans and World Domination.

So there you have it you utter simpletons! The world of fintech dissected by yours truly. Shift4 is soaring Upstart is rising and Venmo is finally earning its keep. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go work on my latest invention: a device that turns Brian's barks into Bitcoin. World domination awaits! Prepare for Stewie Griffin to be your benevolent overlord. Or at the very least the guy who controls all the digital currency. Good day!