Holy Crap! Lithuania Yells at Robinhood Over Fake OpenAI Bucks!

Lithuania's Like 'Hey! What the Deuce?!'

Alright so get this. Apparently Lithuania's central bank is all up in arms because Robinhood is selling these... get this... 'OpenAI' stock tokens. I'm picturing little digital coins with Sam Altman's face on them. Classic Robinhood move right? Anyway the Bank of Lithuania (sounds like a place where they sell fancy rocks) sent Robinhood a strongly worded email. Probably started with 'Dear Robinhood you greasy haired meat sack...' You know the usual. They want answers about these tokens and are waving their finger disapprovingly.

OpenAI Throws a Wrench in the Clam

But here's the real kicker: OpenAI themselves – yeah the folks who brought us the robots that are probably gonna steal my job at the Pawtucket Brewery – came out and said 'Whoa hold your horses! These 'OpenAI tokens' ain't OpenAI equity!' Basically they're saying Robinhood's running around selling magic beans promising they'll turn into a golden goose. It's like that time I tried to sell Meg my 'Petercopter' blueprints except instead of getting shut down by Lois OpenAI's calling the cops! Giggity!

Robinhood's All Like 'Nuh uh! It's Indirect!'

So Robinhood caught with their pants down like I am during career day at Chris's school is trying to do some damage control. They're saying these tokens are 'indirect exposure' to private markets and are powered by... wait for it... 'Robinhood's ownership stake in a special purpose vehicle.' What in the name of Sweet Adeline does that even mean? Sounds like something Quagmire would use to pick up chicks. Giggity.

Silence of the Robinhoods

When CNBC (the fancy people who talk about money) tried to get a hold of Robinhood for comment they were met with crickets. Maybe they're all hiding under a rock hoping this whole thing blows over like the time I tried to start my own airline using blimps and beer. It didn't end well let me tell you. Lots of gravy and questionable decisions.

Europe's Got Its Eye on You Pal

The Bank of Lithuania is Robinhood's main regulator in Europe. That's a fancy way of saying they're the principal who's always watching to make sure they aren't throwing spitballs. So if Lithuania gets angry Europe gets angry. If Europe gets angry well let's just say it's probably worse than Lois finding out I spent our mortgage money on a solid gold statue of the Kool Aid Man.

What Now? More Bureaucracy and Headaches!

So what's next? Well Lithuania's gonna poke around and see if what Robinhood is doing is legal and if they're being honest with the public. Basically more paperwork and headaches for everyone involved. Except me. I'm gonna go eat a bucket of chicken wings and watch reruns of 'Funky Cops.' Hey that sounds like a good get rich quick scheme! Peter Copter is back baby!