Tariffs? Oh, Boy! Trump's Trade Tantrum Returns August 1st!

Giggity Giggity Tariffs are Back!

Alright folks Peter Griffin here your friendly neighborhood newsman – because let's be honest who else would tell you about this stuff? So Treasury Secretary... what's his face Bessent says these tariffs Trump announced way back when are gonna hit like a ton of bricks on August 1st. Basically if these countries don't start kissing Trump's ring they're gonna get smacked with those good ol' April tariffs again. It's like that time I tried to make my own beer... it started out okay but then BAM! Rancid mess!

A Letter? Should I Wear a Suit?

Apparently Trump's sending letters. Letters! Who even does that anymore? It's like sending a carrier pigeon. I mean couldn't he just tweet it? Anyway Bessent is saying that August 1st isn't exactly a deadline. Oh no! It's just a... a 'suggestion' with really expensive consequences. It's like when Lois tells me to 'consider' doing the dishes. Yeah right. Next thing you know I'm scrubbing harder than Joe Swanson at a Chippendales audition.

90 Days? More Like 90 Problems!

Remember that 90 day pause Trump gave everyone back in April? Well it's about to expire faster than a plate of Brian's fancy cheese at a frat party. Everyone's freaking out including those fancy investor types. Honestly I don't get it. More money? Less money? Just give me enough for a couple of Pawtucket Patriot Ales and a bucket of chicken and I'm good. Maybe some clam chowder as well!

Where's My Cut?

Trump's bragging about all the money that's gonna come pouring into the US. I'm thinking 'Hey! A little trickle down for Peter maybe?' Maybe a new TV? Or a solid gold chicken? I'm not picky. Just saying if you're gonna be all Mr. Moneybags spread the wealth Donny! Or should I say Mr. Mr. President!

Big Announcements? Maybe It's Free Beer!

Bessent keeps hinting at 'big announcements' coming soon. Please please PLEASE let it be about free beer for everyone. Or maybe a lifetime supply of those sugary cereals I love so much. Ooh or a coupon for a free back rub from Mort Goldman! Okay maybe not that last one... unless...? Nah I'm good. But seriously free beer.

Whose Ready to Party!

So there you have it folks. Tariffs are coming letters are being sent and I'm still waiting for my invite to the White House. Until then I'll be at the Drunken Clam drowning my sorrows in Pawtucket Patriot Ale and wondering if I can write all of this off on my taxes. Giggity!