Doh! Stock Market Go Boom? Buybacks to the Rescue, Says Some Smart Guy!

Mmm Buybacks! What Are They?

Okay folks lemme tell ya somethin'. The market's been acting like Bart after too much sugar – totally unpredictable! One minute it's up the next it's down faster than I can finish a donut. But some smart guys at Wolfe Research they say there's a way to keep your head above water: buybacks! That's when companies buy their own stock. Sounds kinda like when I tried to eat all the donuts myself but apparently it's good for ya... or at least your wallet.

Ten Years of Buybacks? Woohoo! That's a Lotta Krusty Burgers!

These Wolfe guys especially this Chris Senyek fella they're lookin' at companies that have been buyin' back their stock for at least ten years straight! Ten years! That's like... a really really long time! He says these companies are like Lenny and Carl – always there for ya especially when things get rough. Apparently they do well when everyone else is runnin' around like chickens with their heads cut off or even headin' into a recession. Recession? Doh! That sounds expensive!

Apple: The Forbidden Fruit... er Stock!

First up we got Apple! You know the company that makes those fancy phones everyone's always glued to. Their stock's been a little wonky lately down about 22% this year. But even though they haven't figured out how to make Siri understand me when I ask her to order a pizza they're still buyin' back their stock like crazy! They even announced a $100 billion buyback! That's like a million Krusty Burgers! Experts say it might go up 16% soon. Mmm potential profits...

JPMorgan Chase: Banking on Buybacks (and Maybe My Savings)

Then there's JPMorgan Chase. You know those guys who hold all the money... probably some of mine too! Their stock's up about 11% this year which is pretty good even if I don't know what '11%' even MEANS! Apparently their CEO Jamie Dimon wasn't too keen on buybacks at first thought their stock was too expensive. But they had so much cash they just kept buyin'! Now those smart folks are saying their stock will go up 3%! Maybe I should put my beer money in there...

D'oh! Iran Messes with the Market

And just when things were looking up BAM! Iran and Israel start throwin' punches and oil prices go nuts. It's like Moe serving Duff beer instead of Duff Lite. Everyone's all jittery and the market's doing the jitterbug. All this talk of trade deals and buybacks is enough to make my head spin faster than Barney at an all you can eat buffet!

So Should You Buy? Doh I Dunno!

Look I'm just a simple man who loves donuts and avoiding responsibility. I don't know if you should buy these stocks or not. But those Wolfe Research guys seem to think it's a good idea. Just remember don't put all your eggs (or donuts) in one basket! And if things go south don't blame me! I'll be busy enjoying my newfound financial security... or more likely figuring out how to afford more donuts.