Trump's Trade War IS A Disaster! John Bolton Says So!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home... Because of Tariffs!

Okay so listen up you guys! This whole trade war thing that President Douchebag is doing? It's totally screwing everything up! According to that old dude John Bolton – you know the one with the mustache that looks like a freakin' walrus – Trump's being a complete idiot! He's slapping our friends in the face with these stupid tariffs and guess who's laughing all the way to the bank? Freakin' CHINA! It's like 'Oh we're gonna get China!' And then BAM! We end up lookin' like total tools! Respect my authoritah!

Liberation Day? More Like Liquidation Day!

Trump called it "liberation day" when he slapped tariffs on everyone. Liberation from what? Money? Sanity? It was more like "liquidation day" because the markets went totally bonkers! Trillions of dollars disappeared faster than Kenny after a bus crash! And now this 10% blanket tariff? Seriously? It's like giving everyone the finger even the people who bring us our sweet sweet video games! I'm telling you guys this is worse than when my mom made me eat broccoli!

China's Laughing All the Way to the Bank Dude!

So China's all like "Oh no tariffs!" But secretly they're doing the Butters dance because they're playing Trump like a goddamn fiddle! He's trying to hold them accountable for stealing our intellectual property and being all sneaky with the World Trade Organization which I think is a load of crap anyway. But instead of teaming up with other countries who also hate China – like Japan Korea and even the freakin' French! – Trump's just alienating everyone! It's like he's TRYING to make China the most powerful country on Earth! Douchebag.

Xi Jinping's Charm Offensive? More Like a Charm ing Way to Screw Us Over!

That Xi Jinping guy is going around Southeast Asia being all chummy and building up alliances. It's a "charm offensive," they call it. I call it a "we're gonna screw you over while smiling" offensive! Trump should be doing the same thing but he's too busy tweeting about how great he is and blaming everyone else for his mistakes! He's shredding our credibility faster than Kyle shreds his homework when he doesn't understand it!

Trump's Ruining Everything! Blame Canada!

Bolton's saying that Trump's ruining the U.S.'s reputation and that China's trying to become the 'island of stability.' Can you believe it? The country that makes all our cheap crap is trying to act all high and mighty! This is all just insanity! I'm telling you guys we need to build a wall around Washington and keep all the stupid people out! And Canada is behind all of this I am telling you! Blame Canada!

I'm Going to Start My Own Country! With Blackjack! And Hookers!

This whole thing is so messed up! I'm seriously considering starting my own country where we don't have any tariffs and everyone has to respect my authoritah! We'll have blackjack! And hookers! And absolutely NO stupid trade wars! That's what I call freedom! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go yell at my mom for making me eat my vegetables again!