Aw, Crap! Private Credit's Gonna Screw Us All Like the Woodland Critters!

Respect My Authoritah... and My Money!

Listen up you guys. I'm Eric Cartman and I know everything about everything especially when it comes to money. And this whole private credit thing? It smells like hippie crap! Apparently some stuffy nerds are saying it's blowing up faster than Kenny during a zombie apocalypse. It's like this big ol' pile of cash about $1.7 trillion that nobody really understands. Sounds like a Ponzi scheme to me and I'm not talking about those dinky little scams like the one Wendy tried to pull to get me to donate. No this is serious. This is gonna affect my freakin' Kenny doll collection!

Lowering Standards? That's What SHE Said!

So here's the deal. These companies are so desperate to lend money they're basically giving it away to anyone who says 'respect my authoritah!' That means they're lowering their standards which is like letting Butters run the school. Disaster! This Morningstar dude Shihan Abeyguna (whoever the hell that is) says it's all interconnected and could lead to a massive financial meltdown. Great just great. I bet Kyle's behind this somehow probably trying to sabotage my future fortune. Dammit Kyle!

Dry Powder? Sounds Like Taco Tuesday!

Apparently these private debt companies are sitting on a pile of 'dry powder' – $566.8 billion of it! That's like having a lifetime supply of Cheesy Poofs and not being able to eat them because you have to...lend them out? What kind of ass backwards system is this? Abeyguna says they're gonna lend it out fast and loose which means more crap loans and more chances for everything to go to hell in a handbasket. This is worse than when my mom wouldn't buy me the Xbox One on release day!

Paid in Kind Loans? More Like Pain in the Ass Loans!

And it gets worse you guys. They're using something called 'paid in kind' (PIK) loans which are basically IOUs on top of IOUs. It's like promising to pay for your Cheesy Poofs with even more promises to pay for Cheesy Poofs! This PIMCO dude David Forgash says all this hidden debt could cause a massive implosion when the economy goes south which it always does. It's like waiting for Kenny to die – you know it's gonna happen it's just a matter of when!

Not a House of Cards? More Like a Slightly Shaky Cardboard Box!

But wait some people are saying it's not all doom and gloom. This Union Bancaire Privee guy Michael Ostro thinks the banks are mostly okay because they have 'equity cushions.' Whatever that means. And some dude from Bain & Company Suvir Varma thinks underwriting is better than it used to be. Yeah well I still don't trust any of these guys. They're probably all in cahoots to steal my money and give it to the goddamn hippies!

New Type of Issues? Sounds Like the Next Season of South Park!

Even this professor from Oxford Ludovic Phalippou says that while it's not a full blown house of cards it still 'smells like one.' He thinks there could be 'new type of issues' related to investor defaults and asset revaluations. So basically nobody knows what's gonna happen but it's probably gonna be bad. As usual. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go hoard all the toilet paper and Cheesy Poofs I can find. Screw you guys I'm going home!