Screw You Guys, I'm Predicting the Stock Market! (And It's Gonna Be Awesome!)

Respect My Market Authority!

Okay so apparently the market had a little 'oopsie' on Friday because those dingleberries in the Middle East decided to have a go at each other. The S&P 500 only dropped like 1.1% which is NOTHING. Seriously you guys are acting like Wendy Testaburger just broke up with Stan again. Get over it! I'm Cartman and I'm telling you this is just a blip. You will respect my authority!

Buying the Dip? More Like Buying the Whole Damn Buffet!

This 'buy on weakness' thing is HUGE you guys! It's like when Kyle tries to hide his mom's cookies but I ALWAYS find them! The market's been bouncing back like Kenny after getting killed. And some nerd at Bespoke Investment Group says the market's doing better after a dip than it has in like forever! So what am I saying? Load up on that sweet sweet stock market goodness! Mmm mmm mmm... money!

AI Spending? Sounds Like a Good Excuse to Get a Robot Butler!

Apparently all this AI spending is keeping things afloat. Which frankly sounds like a good excuse for me to get a robot butler who will fetch me cheesy poofs and keep Kyle away from my stuff. But seriously even with all the stuff going on in the Middle East this AI thing is like a cheat code. It's like when I hacked into the school's system to change my grades! (Don't tell Principal Victoria!).

Complacency? Or Just Smarter Than You Kyle!

Some people are saying everyone's getting complacent. Pfft! That's just because they're not as smart as ME! I'm not complacent I'm strategically confident. Plus that little shake up might keep those stupid IPOs from getting too big for their britches. And that meme stock ETF? Totally lame! Except when *I* invest in it then it's awesome.

Tariffs? More Like Terri bull! (Get It?)

So these tariffs are causing some whiny ass complaining. But honestly who cares? As long as I'm making money screw everyone else! And if these 'cooler than expected inflation readings' don't give the market a boost then maybe it's because everyone's finally realizing that everything is gonna be more expensive because of the stupid tariffs. Which means more money for ME to charge on cheesy poofs! I win!

July: The Month of Cartman's Market Domination!

July's gonna be HUGE you guys! Those tariff pauses are ending budget bills are due and the Fed's gonna have a meeting. Sounds like the perfect time for Cartman to unleash his market genius! Plus some egghead at Ned Davis Research thinks the S&P 500 is going to hit 6350. Which means... even MORE MONEY FOR CARTMAN! WOO!