Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Swiss Shoes! On's Sneaky Plan to Beat Nike and Adidas

What What What? More Shoes?

Listen up you guys! I just heard about this stupid Swiss company called 'On' that's trying to be all cool and sell expensive shoes. Apparently they made like 869 million American dollars in just three months! That's more money than Kenny makes in a lifetime of dying! They're trying to take over the shoe market which is like totally unfair to Nike and Adidas who are way cooler!

Respect My Authoritah...and My Shoe Choice!

This lady Aneesha Sherman who's probably a stupid girl says 'On' did good 'cause their shoes look different. Like who cares? As long as they aren't those stupid Sketchers that Butters wears I don't care. But seriously these shoes must be pretty awesome if people are ditching Nikes for them. It's like ditching cheesy poofs for broccoli... wait no one would do that! But still respect my authoritah and my right to choose whatever shoe I want!

Blame Canada! (and Maybe Kanye)

So apparently Nike was sucking for a while and Adidas had that whole stupid Kanye West thing happen. He's a gay fish! That gave 'On' the chance to sneak in and steal customers. It's like when Kyle tries to sneak a bite of my Cheesy Poofs when I'm not looking! Sneaky Swiss bastards! Blame Canada!

It's All About the Benjamins Baby!

This Sherman chick says that 'On' was just lucky 'cause stores were looking for new brands. Well duh! Everyone wants more money! It's all about the Benjamins baby! I should start my own shoe company. I'd call it 'Cartman Kicks' and they'd all be shaped like me! Think of the possibilities! I'd be rolling in the dough! Screw you guys I'm going home...to design my shoes!

Nike Strikes Back! (Like the Jedi)

But now Nike is getting a new CEO some dude named Elliott Hill. Probably a ginger. He's going to try and make Nike cool again. Which means 'On' is gonna have to watch out! It's like when Professor Chaos tries to take over the world but then the Coon comes along and ruins everything! This could be a real headwind...whatever that means.

Screw You Trump! (and Your Tariffs)

And get this most of 'On's shoes are made in Vietnam! That means that old fart Donald Trump might put a HUGE tax on them! Forty six percent? Are you kidding me? That's almost half the price of the shoe! This could be a real problem for 'On'. But hey maybe they should just make their shoes in South Park. We could use the jobs! Screw you guys I'm going to go eat a bucket of chicken!