Respect My Authority! Oil Prices Go Haywire After Trump Screws With Iran!

God DAMMIT TRUMP!

Okay listen up you guys! Eric Cartman here reporting live from my freakin' basement because the world is going to hell in a handbasket! That dumbass President Trump may his tiny hands shrivel up and fall off decided to go all 'America F*** Yeah!' on Iran's nuclear sites. And guess what? Now the oil prices are going crazy! I swear to GOD this is worse than when Kyle's mom went on TV!

Oil's Gone Wild!

So like oil futures are up. WTI crude climbed $1.07 to $74.91 a barrel. Brent crude is up too. They both jumped then kinda calmed down. But seriously a 1.5% rise? What am I a freakin' economist? All I know is that when oil prices go up my freakin' allowance buys less Cheesy Poofs! This is not cool!

The Strait of What Now?

Apparently the real problem is this 'Strait of Hormuz'. Some fancy pants analysts are saying that if Iran tries to close it we're all screwed. Twenty million barrels of oil go through that thing every day! That's like a bajillion Cheesy Poofs worth of oil! And if it closes my go kart is gonna be stuck in the garage. Damn you Iran!

Marco Rubio's Got Something to Say (Surprise!)

That d bag Marco Rubio is flapping his gums about how it would be 'economic suicide' for Iran to close the strait because they depend on it too. He's telling China to get involved because they need the oil too. Who cares what Marco Rubio thinks! He's probably just trying to get more Facebook followers. Respect my authoritah!

Blame Canada... I Mean Iran?

Everyone's worried about Iran retaliating and messing things up even more. They might even attack US bases! I mean what?! It's always the same crap! Some stupid country gets all riled up and suddenly I can't even afford a decent sized bag of Cheesy Poofs. This is why we need to nuke them all from orbit. It's the only way to be sure!

I'm Going Home!

So yeah basically the world is one big fat freakin' mess because Trump can't keep his tiny little fingers to himself. And now because of him I will not get more than two bags of cheesy poofs! Screw you guys I'm going home!