Screw You Guys, I'm Eating Healthy! Cartman's Guide to NOT Dying Before I Take Over the World!

Respect My Authoritah! Some Doctor Says We're Eating Crap!

Alright listen up you guys! This stupid article is about some doctor Sanjay or whatever whining about the crap we feed our kids. As if I care! But Mom says I have to eat my vegetables and be healthy or I won't get my Cheesy Poofs. So I'm doing this for the Cheesy Poofs not for you dumbasses. This Sanjay guy who thinks he's so much better than me says the garbage we eat as kids sets us up for being losers later in life. Well screw you Sanjay! I'm gonna be rich and powerful no matter what I eat!

Microwave Popcorn: The Silent Killer (Maybe)

First up this idiot Sanjay is bagging on microwave popcorn. He says the bags are lined with 'forever chemicals' or whatever that give you birth defects. Birth defects! Like Kenny dying every week isn't enough drama in South Park? And the butter flavoring is gonna give you lung cancer. Seriously?! Like anyone cares about their lungs when there's a movie to watch? But fine whatever make your own air popped crap with olive oil. As if that's gonna taste as good as the fake butter goodness. I hate you guys you are ruining my life.

Yogurt is a Scam! (Unless it's Frozen)

Next it's freakin' yogurt! He's complaining about flavored yogurts being full of sugar and artificial dyes. Says they look healthy but they're just trying to trick us! Like everything isn't trying to trick us! He wants us to eat plain Greek yogurt with honey and berries. Seriously dude? That sounds like something a hippie would eat. The only yogurt I'm eating is the frozen kind with all the candy toppings. Screw you guys I'm going home!

Processed Meats: The Delicious Danger

Oh here we go... now he's attacking bacon hot dogs and lunch meats! Says they're loaded with sodium preservatives and stuff that gives you heart disease and cancer. Well duh! That's why they're so delicious! He's scared of what these things do at a cellular level. Cellular level! Who cares about cells when you've got a BLT in your hand? He wants us to eat grilled chicken and quinoa. Quinoa?! That sounds like something you feed to a hamster! No way I'm sticking with my hot dogs. You will respect my authoritah!

Sugary Cereals and Drinks: The Breakfast of Champions (According to Me)

He's going after sugary cereals and sodas now? Seriously this guy is the worst! He says kids are eating more sugar than their bodies can handle in three days. So what? Sugar is awesome! It makes you happy! He wants kids to eat fruit eggs with veggies and smoothies. Smoothies?! That sounds like something Kyle would drink. I say bring back the sugary cereals! And the sodas! Screw you guys I'm having a bowl of Fruity Pebbles with a side of Mountain Dew! I'm not fat I'm big boned!

Deep Fried Foods: The Pinnacle of Culinary Achievement

Finally he's attacking deep fried foods! He says they're fried in reused industrial oils and are full of harmful crap. He wants us to use an air fryer instead. Air fryer? What is this 2024? Deep fried is the only way to live especially when it comes to chicken cheese and butter! Screw you Sanjay! I'm going to the county fair and getting a deep fried Twinkie! You can't tell me what to do! I do what I want! Now if you'll excuse me I have some Cheesy Poofs to devour. Respect my authoritah!