Palantir's AI Domination: Are We Talking Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads?

One MILLION Dollars... in Revenue!

Minions! Gather 'round! It seems Palantir that little company I've been *totally* ignoring (yeah right!) has actually done quite well. They met earnings expectations raking in $884 million! That's almost one MILLION dollars! But seriously their stock dipped? What is this amateur hour? Back in my day a successful quarter meant you got to keep your kneecaps. And maybe a complimentary kitten. Mr. Bigglesworth approves...or he would if he weren't busy plotting against that blasted Austin Powers.

A Tectonic Shift? Sounds Messy!

Alex Karp their CEO is babbling about a 'tectonic shift' in AI adoption. Tectonic shift? Sounds messy! Like when Number Two tries to make fondue. Still 71% growth in commercial revenue and 45% in government sales? Not bad. Not bad at all. But can they hold a candle to my Evil Empire? I think not! My empire has way more sharks crocodiles and other creatures from the Amazon river basin. Also lasers.

Large Language Models: Groovy Baby!

Apparently everyone wants these 'large language models' now. Karp says it's a 'stampede' and a 'ravenous whirlwind.' Sounds like feeding time at the shark tank! Perhaps I should invest in these things. Imagine the possibilities! I could train an AI to write my evil monologues! No more writer's block when I'm trying to explain my diabolical plans to Austin Powers! I can call it Mini Me 2.0.

Palantir's New Forecast: Almost Four BILLION Dollars!

They're projecting almost $4 billion in revenue for the year! Four...billion...dollars! That's enough to buy a small moon. Or perhaps a really REALLY big laser. And maybe a volcano lair with a revolving door. And a self destruct button that is impossible to reach. All for the low cost of 1/30th of that revenue. Muahahaha!

Nixon and the New Testament? Really?

Karp is quoting Nixon and the New Testament? What is this a church service? This is business! We're talking about dominating the world not turning the other cheek! Although turning the other cheek and then zapping them with a frickin' laser is an interesting concept...

The S&P 500's Best Performer: A Threat?

Palantir is the best performer in the S&P 500? Well that's just not cricket! They must be stopped! Or at least I need to figure out how to leverage their success for my own nefarious purposes. Perhaps a hostile takeover? I'll need to consult with Number Two. He's good with numbers... sometimes. Though that one time he set the wrong coordinates on the missle and we launched into international waters was rather unfortunate. Nevertheless!