Nike Hikes Prices! Is This My Evil Plan Finally Coming to Fruition? Mwahahaha!

One MILLION Dollars... I Mean Price Increases!

So CNBC those blithering idiots think they've uncovered some mundane story about Nike raising prices. A measly two to ten dollars on apparel? Ten dollars on shoes over $150? Please! This reeks of something far more EVIL! Is it possible... that Nike is secretly in league with me? Mwahahaha! Okay probably not. But a megalomaniac can dream can't he? This is almost as good as when I froze the Earth temporarily.

Tariffs Schmariffs! It's All About World Domination!

They claim these paltry price hikes are due to those pesky tariffs from… *shudders* …Donald Trump. China Vietnam blah blah blah. As if tariffs are the REAL reason! I suspect Nike is using this as a smokescreen! A smokescreen I say! They're probably funding my new moon base... or at least a mini me clone for every child in America! One MILLION Mini Me's!

Air Force One: The Shoe Too 'Accessible' to Touch!

Apparently the oh so 'accessible' Air Force 1 is safe from price hikes. 'It's a shoe that people in the workplace wear,' they say. Comfortable accessible... Sounds like something Austin Powers would wear! This gives me an idea... Perhaps I can create an Air Force One shoe with a built in mind control device! YES! It's all coming together!

Jordan's Betrayal! Even His Sneakers Aren't Safe!

Even Jordan can't escape my grasp. His apparel and accessories get a pass but the *sneakers* will go up? The betrayal! This is almost as bad as when Scott Evil became good...almost. At least this will give me a good chance to try my new death ray.

Discounting? Preposterous! Where's the Profit in That?

Discounting? That's amateur hour! As if lowering prices to move product is a viable strategy. I Doctor Evil would never resort to such… *ugh* …capitalistic tactics. I prefer extortion blackmail and the occasional kidnapping. Much more profitable wouldn't you agree Mr. Bigglesworth?

Wholesale Partners? More Like Minions!

So Nike is sending notes to their 'wholesale partners' like Dick's Sporting Goods and Foot Locker. Honestly they sound like my minions. I bet I could convince them to switch to the dark side... with a little… persuasion. Perhaps I will buy a controlling share in Dick's and turn it into Doctor Evil's Sporting Goods. They can sell evil merchandise such as laser pointers for cats... but only to the highest bidder!