Kering's Luxury Sales PLUNGE! Is This My Chance for World Domination?!

Mwah ha ha! Kering's Woes!

Alright Minions! Gather 'round! Doctor Evil here reporting LIVE from my volcano lair! And what glorious news do we have today? Kering the fashion titan is TEETERING! Yes teetering I say! Their shares have plummeted faster than Austin Powers after a plate of greasy fish and chips! They announced a 14% drop in first quarter sales. A measly 3.9 billion euros ($4.4 billion). PEANUTS! I spend more than that on hair gel in a week! Mwah ha ha!

Gucci Gucci Goo gone!

And the best part? Gucci that flamboyant fashion house is leading the charge into the abyss! Their sales are down a WHOPPING 25%! Twenty five percent! That's like…one quarter of their profits gone! Gone I say! It seems their designs have fallen out of favor like Austin Powers' shag carpet at a debutante ball. And with their exposure to the Chinese consumer market they've been hit harder than Number Two after eating a bad burrito. It's all going according to plan... MY plan!

Asia's Not So Golden Goose

Apparently Asia once a goldmine for these luxury brands is no longer so lucrative. Sales in Asia plunged 25%! It seems even the wealthiest Chinese consumers are tightening their purse strings probably to save up for my ransom demands when I finally hold the world hostage for… ONE MILLION DOLLARS! No wait… ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS! Yeah that's more like it.

Francois Henri Pinault's Plea

Kering's Chairman this Pinault character is whining about a "difficult start to the year." Boo hoo! He says they're increasing their "vigilance" to weather the macroeconomic headwinds. Vigilance? Ha! What he needs is a freeze ray and a trained army of genetically engineered sea bass! But alas he has me Doctor Evil to contend with instead!

Gvasalia Gate!

And speaking of incompetence Kering appointed this… Demna Gvasalia person as Gucci's new artistic director! This is after his previous work stirred up controversy at Balenciaga. Honestly what were they thinking? It's like hiring Mini Me to design a super weapon! Utter madness! Investors are fleeing like rats from a sinking… well a sinking luxury yacht! Maybe they should hire Fat Bastard at least he got the basics right.

The Evil Plan Unfolds!

So what does all this mean for Doctor Evil? It means opportunity my friends! Opportunity! While these luxury giants are floundering I can swoop in buy them for a pittance (maybe with my collection of precious precious diamonds!) and use their distribution networks to… to… sell EVIL MERCHANDISE! Mwah ha ha! Think of it! Evil branded cat sweaters henchman uniforms designed by Gucci and of course my very own line of strategically placed mole covers! This is my time to shine! Prepare yourselves world! Doctor Evil is coming for you...and your wallets!