Japan Says NO to Debt Fueled Tax Cuts! NOOOOO!

The Audacity! The Unmitigated GALL!

Alright people listen up! Dr. Evil here reporting live from my volcano lair. I've just received news that Japan yes JAPAN is refusing to do things MY WAY! Apparently Prime Minister Shigeru Ishiba who sounds like a character from a Godzilla movie is saying 'NO' to tax cuts funded by MORE DEBT! Can you believe this treachery? This is almost as bad as Austin Powers foiling my plans for world domination... ALMOST!

Half a Percent! A measly Half!

Ishiba san is worried about Japan's fiscal state you see. Something about rising interest rates and social welfare costs. Oh boo hoo! The Bank of Japan (BOJ) those party poopers even raised interest rates to 0.5%! Half a percent! I mean come on! I spend more than that on my daily shark feeding! Back in my day we would have interest rates of at least ten thousand percent! Now that's how you run an economy!

Consumption Tax... I Have A Modest Proposal!

And get this there's even pressure to cut Japan's consumption tax. Ten percent! Ten! It's like they WANT their economy to be sluggish! The nerve! I have a modest proposal... Let's replace the consumption tax with a 'Dr. Evil' domination fee! Everyone pays one million dollars a year for me to not destroy the world! Think of the revenue! Muahahaha!

Market Trust? I Spit on Market Trust!

Finance Minister Katsunobu Kato another one of these killjoys is babbling about 'market trust.' Market trust? I spit on market trust! All you need is a giant laser and the world at your fingertips! If they lose market trust so what? Just blame it on Austin Powers! Everyone does!

Bond Buying... Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bond

The BOJ in its infinite wisdom is also slowing down its bond buying. Slowing! Down! This is madness! They should be buying all the bonds! All of them! Then they could use them to build a giant robot to fight Godzilla! Think of the possibilities! Of course I would have to steal the robot first... For evil!

Oh No! Japan's Economy Shrank! (NOT)

And finally the ultimate catastrophe! Japan's economy shrank by 0.7% in January March. A contraction! Oh the humanity! But really? Point seven percent? It's like a rounding error! I've had bigger problems with my cat Mr. Bigglesworth's shedding! This is nothing! I could fix it with a one billion dollar laser beam pointed directly at the economy! Problem solved!