I'll Take Dividend Stocks For 1 Million Dollars!

One Million Dollars...In Dividends!

Alright Number Two gather 'round. The world... is not enough! I need more! Specifically I need more stable income and those Wall Street bozos are recommending... dividend stocks? I suppose even evil geniuses can't ignore a good payout. These 'experts' are touting AT&T Philip Morris and Texas Instruments. Let's see if they're worthy of my Doctor Evil's investment portfolio. Mwahahaha!

AT&T: Can You Hear Me Now (Making Money)?

First up AT&T. Apparently they're raking in dough with their phone and fiber thingamajigs. They even plan on buying back shares which according to these analysts is a good thing. They're paying out a quarterly dividend of $0.2775 per share. That's like... what enough to buy a small island? Maybe not. But at least it's something. This Jonathan Atkin guy at RBC Capital raised his target price. He's ranked number 85 of 9,400 analysts. Not bad but I'm ranked number one in evil! Atkin is making some decent returns but I need more I want sharks with laser beams on their heads returns.

Philip Morris: Smoke Free...And Profitable?

Next Philip Morris. They're trying to get rid of cigarettes and replace them with 'smoke free alternatives'. I guess even evil empires have to be health conscious these days. They're giving out $1.35 per share quarterly. That's... slightly more impressive than AT&T. A Stifel analyst Matthew Smith is all hot and bothered raising his price target. Apparently they're making bank on smoke free products and these Zyn pouches or something. This Smith fella is number 642 of 9,400 analysts. Mediocre! I want number one! Number two is also acceptable but number one is better.

Texas Instruments: Chips Ahoy! (And Dividends Too!)

Finally Texas Instruments. They make chips. Not the kind you eat unfortunately. The kind that goes into... things. Apparently they beat Wall Street's expectations which is good I guess. They're paying $1.36 per share quarterly. Hmm getting close to the Philip Morris numbers. An Evercore analyst Mark Lipacis is singing their praises saying they're a 'top analog pick'. He thinks their inventories are low and they'll make even more money later. Lipacis is ranked number 69. Nice but still not number one! And I want sharks with laser beams on their heads to protect my chip investments.

A Cautious Recommendation (Because I'm Evil!)

So should you invest in these stocks? Well that depends on your tolerance for risk which if you're working for me should be pretty darn high! These analysts seem to think these are solid choices but remember Wall Street is sometimes as predictable as my son Scott's emotional outbursts. I'd take these recommendations with a grain of salt... or maybe a pinch of plutonium. Mwahahaha!

Prepare The Sharks People!

Now if you'll excuse me I have a world to conquer and dividend checks to cash! Number Two make sure Mini Me doesn't spend all the dividends on tiny sweaters again. And someone get me a Blofeld cat... a hairless one. It is time to unleash the Dividend plan. Muhahahahahahahaha!