Wa Wa Wee Wa! Bank Makes Big Bucks!
Jagshemash my neighbors! Borat here bringing you the news from the glorious world of… banking! Standard Chartered a big strong bank from Great Britain has made so much money! More than I make selling pictures of me wrestling a bear! They say their profit before taxation was $2.103 billion. That is more than I have ever seen even when I looked through telescope at neighbor's wife!
Very Nice! Wealthy People Make Bank More Wealthy!
The bank says it’s because they’re very good at managing the money of very rich people. Like Tynky Winky holding money for me! Also something called “Global Markets” is doing very well. I don’t know what that is but it sounds like a place where you can buy and sell… tractors? Maybe I should invest!
Bill Winters Says 'Chenqui!' to Big Profits
The big boss Bill Winters says earnings per share went up 19%! He says it’s because of double digit growth in Wealth Solutions Global Markets and Global Banking. Sounds complicated but all I hear is… MONEY! He is a very nice man… I bet he has a nice sister.
Orange Man Bad… But Not *That* Bad Yet!
The article mentions that Donal Trump the man with strange hair and the tan of a leather couch made some tariffs. Tariffs are like when you have to pay extra for something… like when I tried to film Pamela Anderson without permission! But it says these tariffs are not yet affecting the bank too much. But tariffs on steel aluminum and cars are impacting the world. Maybe I should sell my Lada for scrap metal?
Share Buyback! Is Not What You Think!
After making so much money the bank wants to buy back its own shares for $1.5 billion! It’s like when I try to buy back my dignity after a nudie run… very difficult! They are also trying to save money with something called “Fit for Growth”. It's like when I try to fit into my Mankini after winter...very painful! They want to save $1.5 billion over three years. I once saved $1.50 by re using a tea bag for a month!
HSBC Also Rich! Great Success!
HSBC another bank also very rich! They will buy back shares of $3 billion! Soon everyone have so much money! Except Borat! But maybe one day I will find Pamela Anderson marry her and be rich too! Until then I will continue to report on news. Chenqui!
Standard Chartered profit wealth management global markets Bill Winters tariffs share buyback HSBC Fit for Growth Kazakhstan
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abiyyu
That Bill Winters guy looks like he needs a tan.
mel32134
Wealth management sounds like a scam for rich people!
deepbluish
Share buybacks are just a way to inflate the stock price.
destyni
HSBC is always trying to one-up everyone else.
Shadowmaster04
Very nice article! I laaaike!
noah6302
I wonder if Standard Chartered has a good savings account for peasants like me.