Great Success! Profit Like Shiny New Tractor!
Jagshemash my name is Borat Sagdiyev and I bring you news of great success! Standard Chartered bank they make so much money in first quarter! Profit before tax it is $2.103 billion! More than I ever see in my village even if I sell all my sister's… uh… assets. Very nice!
Wealth Management: Like Stealing Candy from Baby!
They say much of this money come from 'wealth management' and 'global markets.' Wealth management? Is like when you find unattended wallet but instead of returning you 'manage' it for yourself! In Kazakhstan we call this 'good business!'
Trump Tariffs: Is Big Problem...Maybe Not!
Then there is talk of Donald Trump strong man of United States and his tariffs. These tariffs they sound like big problem but Standard Chartered CEO Bill Winters he say 'Is okay we still make many moneys!' Like saying 'I have no car but I have…a horse!' Not quite same but still transportation yes?
Share Buyback: They Buy…Themselves?
Standard Chartered they also do something called 'share buyback.' Is like when you buy back your own goat after it runs away. Makes goat more valuable somehow. Experts are saying it means bank is doing great and will bring very high five!
Fit for Growth: Making Bank Slim Like My Wife!
They also have plan called 'Fit for Growth,' like when you try to make your wife slim before Village Festival. Is all about saving money cutting costs and making bank even more successful! Chaching!
HSBC: Like Rival Village But With More Money!
And then there is HSBC another bank like rival village in Kazakhstan but with more… resources. They also buying back shares! Is competition to see who can buy most shares? Like goat herding contest but with money!
Standard Chartered profit wealth management global markets Trump tariffs share buyback Bill Winters Fit for Growth HSBC Kazakhstan
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kanika387
Is nice! I like this news very much!
shaunnt1
Wa wa wee wa! This is very exciting news!
xiaoJ7
Share buyback seems fishy to me.
xxprettynekoxx
Very informative. I will now invest all my potato harvest.
CassandraAngelique
High five!