Jagshemash! Eutelsat Soars Like Rocket After French Money Injection!

Very Nice! Eutelsat Gets French Kiss of Cash!

Jagshemash world! Borat here with news that makes my mustache tingle! Eutelsat a big shot satellite company in Europe just got a HUGE bag of French francs – or euros as they call them now. 1.35 billion euros to be exact! This is like winning Eurovision but instead of singing you send metal boxes to space! The French state led by the powerful man king Macron is now the biggest owner of Eutelsat. Very nice!

LEO! Like DiCaprio But In Space!

Eutelsat is using this money to make their 'Low Earth Orbit' things even better. They say it's for 'business to business' and 'business to government' things. What does that even mean? Maybe they are selling satellite internet to… pigeons? I don't know! But it sounds very important like when I tried to understand Pamela Anderson's career choices.

Bye Bye SpaceX Hello… Wait Still SpaceX!

They still use Elon Musk's SpaceX rockets to send things to space. Even though Macron is now in charge Musk still gets the krona! It's like when I invited my neighbor to my wife's birthday party even though he keeps stealing my potatoes. It's complicated!

OneWeb Makes Eutelsat Number Three! Wah Weh Wee Wah!

Last year Eutelsat joined with a British company called OneWeb. Now they are the THIRD biggest satellite company in the world! Number three! Like when I came third in the 'Kazakhstan's Sexiest Man' competition. (My cousin was number one. Nepotism!)

Macron Says: 'Strategic Independence!'

Macron himself said that by helping Eutelsat France is making sure it stays 'strategically independent'. He wants to be like the Americans but with more cheese and less guns. He will talk about it at the Paris Air Show. I hope they have free samples of airplane food. My wife loves that stuff.

Ukraine and Starlink: A Very Complicated Situation!

Before it was said that Eutelsat might replace Starlink in Ukraine you know the place where they have a war with Russia! But relations between U.S. and Ukraine is like me and my neighbor. Hot then cold then he steals my potatoes again! Starlink is still there for now. Maybe Eutelsat will send them some… satellite potatoes?