Donald Trump to Talk with Putin and Zelenskyy: Is This Great Success or Just Another Gypsy Curse?

Trump's Big Phone Call: Very Nice!

Jagshemash! Borat here reporting live from... well not America but somewhere with slightly fewer tractors. Our great leader Donald Trump he make big move! He talk to both Putin and Zelenskyy like a father talking to two naughty sons who fight over stolen beets. He hopes to end the 'bloodbath' in Ukraine. Very nice! But will it work? Or will it be like when I tried to teach my neighbor's goat to drive a car?

Stopping the Bloodbath: Is It Mission Impossible?

Trump says the call is about stopping the 'bloodbath' and also maybe trade. Trade is good! More trade means more Americans can buy my sister's 'authentic' Kazakh souvenirs. Putin will talk at 5 p.m. Moscow time which is like when the vodka starts flowing freely. They will talk about the Istanbul talks which were like a Borat family picnic – lots of talking little actual eating.

Istanbul Talks: More Like Istanbul Stalls!

The Istanbul talks were supposed to bring Putin and Zelenskyy together but they were like 'NO! We don't want to sit near each other it smells of urine!' So they sent representatives. These representatives exchanged prisoners which is good but made no progress on peace. It's like trading your neighbor's chickens for a bag of gravel – technically an exchange but nobody wins.

Trump's Ultimatum: Tick Tock Ukraine!

Trump he says if no peace soon America might take away the boom booms and band aids from Ukraine. Very scary! But Trump also now criticize Putin more even suggest sanctions. This is like when I pretend to be very angry at my wife so she will give me more fermented horse milk. Maybe it works!

Marco Rubio's Peace Plan: Is It Strong Like Bull?

Marco Rubio he says America has 'strong peace plan'. He also talked to Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov. Rubio said Lavrov explained they prepare a document about ceasefire. Very good! Like when I prepare a document to prove I am not a homosexual but then I accidentally write that I love to wear women's clothing. Complicated!

Zelenskyy's Diss: 'Low Level Delegation Very Low!'

Zelenskyy is not happy with the 'low level delegation' sent by Russia to Istanbul. He says Ukraine wants 'real diplomacy' and 'full and unconditional ceasefire'. He wants to put his vife in the box! But is this possible? Or will the war continue like my quest to understand American toilet paper – endlessly confusing?