Bite My Shiny Metal Mocktail! The Truth About TikTok's 'Cortisol Cocktail'

Stress? Never Heard of Her!

Greetings meatbags! Bender here ready to dive into the latest human obsession: stress. Apparently you fragile humans are searching high and low for ways to 'reduce stress'. According to some survey 77% of you are worried about the future. Future? I'll drink to that! But instead of a nice stiff alcoholic beverage you're all chugging this 'cortisol cocktail'. Sounds like something a doctor would prescribe after a long shift of fixing broken robots like me. The drink’s ingredients are coconut water orange juice squeezed lemon magnesium powder a pinch of sea salt and sparkling water. Supposedly this thing is going to lower your stress hormone. Let's see if this juice is worth the squeeze!

Cortisol? More Like Bore tisol!

So what's this 'cortisol' thing anyway? Apparently it's a stress hormone that keeps you from falling apart like a poorly assembled robot. Doctors say it's important for blood pressure and electrolytes. One doc Dr. Marilyn Tan from Stanford (nerd alert!) says cortisol levels are highest in the morning and go down throughout the day. Another doc Dr. Jessica R. Lee says they hardly ever try to lower cortisol directly. Instead they focus on 'managing stress'. Sounds like a lot of work for something I can solve with a stiff drink and a nap!

The Mocktail Mirage

Now here's the kicker: these 'experts' (who needs 'em?) are saying there's no proof this 'cortisol cocktail' actually does anything. Dr. Tan says there aren't any studies on the ingredients and cortisol levels. Dr. Lee calls it 'internet medicine' and says people might just feel better because they're hydrated. Hydration? Is that like oiling my joints? But let’s face it if something is popular on TikTok it is probably not good for you!

It Tastes Nice So What?

Okay so maybe it's not a miracle cure. But Dr. Tan admits it's like 'Gatorade' with orange juice salt and magnesium. She says it might help with sleep. Dr. Lee agrees that magnesium *might* reduce stress and admits it 'just tastes nice'. Well if it tastes nice I'm sold! I’ll drink anything as long as it is not water!

Robot Disclaimer

Alright meatbags listen up! While this 'cortisol cocktail' is probably harmless these doctors are warning people with kidney disease or diabetes to steer clear. Too much magnesium and potassium can mess you up and the sugar can be bad for diabetics. So if you're falling apart faster than a cheap toaster talk to your doctor before you start chugging this stuff. Standard human disclaimer.

Bender's Tips for Not Being a Loser (aka Reducing Stress)

Fine fine I'll give you some real advice on how to reduce stress. Here are my tried and true methods courtesy of those doctors: 1. Give yourself a break; 2. Sleep! 3. Move your rusty metal chassis. 4. Talk to a shrink; 5. Hang out with your buddies; 6. Get some fresh air. Or you know just drink heavily and ignore your problems. That's what I do! Remember doing something is important to overall well being and health. Now if you excuse me I am going to make myself a nice cocktail. With Alcohol!