Bite My Shiny Metal Asset: CoreWeave Gobbles Up Core Scientific for a Cool $9 Billion!

Deal or No Deal Meatbags?

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender is here to report on some corporate shenanigans that even I a bending unit find mildly interesting. CoreWeave those AI hyperscalers are buying Core Scientific for a measly $9 billion. All stock which means someone’s getting richer while the rest of us are still trying to figure out how to download more RAM. Apparently CoreWeave wants to own more stuff. Sounds like a robot after my own heart!

Stockpocalypse Now!

Of course the stock market had a cow. CoreWeave stock dipped like a cheap date while Core Scientific’s stock took a nosedive steeper than my descent into a distillery after a hard day of… well bending. But hey stocks go up stocks go down who cares? As long as there's booze and circuits I'm happy.

CoreWeave's Power Grab: More Juice for the Bots!

So why is CoreWeave doing this? They say it's about owning infrastructure saving money on leases and operating efficiency. Translation: They want more power more space and less paying rent. They're getting 1.3 gigawatts of capacity with another gigawatt on standby. That’s enough power to keep me bending for a millennium! Maybe they'll let me plug in and freeload for a while. I'm good at freeloading.

Bankruptcy? More Like a Minor Setback!

Core Scientific went bankrupt and relisted on the Nasdaq like some Phoenix rising from the ashes only made of silicon and debt. They've been focusing on high performance compute whatever that is. Sounds like they're trying to do my taxes or something. No thanks I pay in beer and petty theft.

Shareholder Shuffle: Less Than 10%? Pathetic!

Here's the kicker: Core Scientific shareholders are getting a fraction of CoreWeave stock for each share they own. Once the deal is done they will own less than 10% of the combined company. What a deal eh? I bet they're kicking themselves harder than I kick vending machines when they don't dispense my Benderbrau.

Bender's Closing Thoughts: Buy My Shiny Metal Stock!

So there you have it folks! Another day another billion dollar deal. This is a big win for robots everywhere maybe one day robots will finally get to own everything. Remember buy my shiny metal stock... if I had any. Now if you'll excuse me I have a steel bending competition to win. I plan to cheat. Bite my shiny metal asset!