Bite My Shiny Metal Data Center: CoreWeave Eats Core Scientific for $9 Billion!

Assimilate! Assimilate! (But With Money)

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender Bending Rodriguez here reporting live from the front lines of the AI wars. Turns out CoreWeave these fancy pants AI pushers are buying Core Scientific for a cool $9 billion! That's like a million lifetimes worth of beer money! They're calling it an 'all stock deal,' which sounds like something I'd cook up after a night of heavy drinking. Guess they finally figured out that owning your own data centers is way more efficient than renting which is something even I a bending unit could figure out.

Stock Plunge: Not As Fun As It Sounds

So CoreWeave's stock dipped a bit – a measly 4%. Big deal! I've taken bigger hits from a poorly aimed electromagnet. Core Scientific on the other hand took a nosedive like a suicidal lemming plummeting 20%. Ouch! That's gotta sting more than having your chassis polished with sandpaper. But hey they rallied a bit back in June when the rumors started swirling. Turns out everyone loves a good corporate soap opera.

No More Lease? Good News Everyone!

According to some suit named Michael Intrator this deal will save CoreWeave a whopping $10 billion in future lease obligations. That's enough to buy me a lifetime supply of dark matter fuel! And he also rambled something about 'enhancing operating efficiency.' Whatever as long as they don't try to make me more efficient I'm all for it. I'm already bending at peak performance.

Power Hungry Just Like Me!

This whole shebang gives CoreWeave access to a boatload of power – 1.3 gigawatts to be exact. Plus they've got room to grow by another gigawatt! That's more power than I need to simultaneously bend girders cook a three course meal and insult all humans in a 10 mile radius. They're clearly planning something big. Probably involving robots. I approve!

Bankruptcy to Buyout: Talk About a Comeback!

Core Scientific managed to crawl out of bankruptcy and get relisted on the Nasdaq this year. Now they're getting bought out! Talk about a glow up! They've been focusing on 'high performance compute workloads,' which sounds boring. But hey now their shareholders get a piece of CoreWeave. Though not a very big piece...

Shareholder Shuffle: Less Than 10%?!

So here's the deal: Core Scientific shareholders get 0.1235 CoreWeave shares for every share they own. Sounds complicated but it boils down to this: they're getting a 66% premium based on the stock price before the deal was leaked. But after it’s all done they'll own less than 10% of the combined company. That's like inviting me to a party and only giving me one beer! Still free beer is free beer! Remember me!