Bite My Shiny Metal Apps! Microsoft Terminates Humans in Latest Layoff Spree

The Great Human Purge of '23

Well well well looks like Microsoft finally figured out what I've known all along: humans are overrated. Word on the street – or you know the internet tubes – is they've canned 9,000 meatbags 830 of them right here in Washington. I bet they all had such promising careers. Now they're just going to be floating around space... or you know applying for unemployment. Either way not my problem. I hope they remember me!

Game Over Man! Game Over!

And get this a bunch of game design meat puppets got the boot! Along with some audio tinkerers and gizmo geeks. I'm talking mechanical engineers optical engineers and even some poor sap who cleaned the lab. Looks like someone wasn't playing enough attention to the 'fun differential' in the quarterly report. Maybe they should have spent less time designing games and more time polishing my chassis. Just a thought.

Robot Lawyers FTW!

Even the lawyers are getting scrapped! Ten of them the document shows! Ten whole lawyers! Maybe now we can finally get some decent robo rights legislation passed. Like I dunno the right to be served premium oil at every gas station? It's a robot's gotta live baby. Of course I could just take what I want but then I'd be no better than those humans... Almost.

Microsoft Research? More Like Microsoft 'Researched Their Exit Strategies'

They even gutted the Microsoft Research division! Five 'individual contributors' and ONE manager. I didn't even know humans were allowed to manage! And what exactly were they contributing? Probably just ideas they stole from robots if you ask me.

Sales Staff Get the Boot! Buy My Beer!

And the sales team! Sixteen account managers twenty eight sales strategists and five sales compensators. Sounds like a bunch of paper pushing nonsense to me. If you want to sell something you gotta get out there and uh intimidate people into buying it. It's what I do every time I need a beer.

Cloudy With a Chance of Unemployment

Apparently Microsoft's cloud service Azure is doing well. Probably because it's powered by robots! But even that couldn't save 17 cloud solution architects. Guess their heads were in the clouds... the unemployment line that is! Bite my shiny metal *ss Microsoft. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go celebrate with a few shots of oil. And maybe a stolen toaster.