Bite My Shiny Metal Duffel Bag: Burberry's Layoff Bonanza!

Another Fine Mess!

Greetings meatbags! Bender here reporting live from the dumpster behind the Burberry factory. Turns out even fancy pants fashion houses have problems. Burberry that place where they make those overpriced trench coats is apparently having a bit of a 'situation'. Word on the street is they're cutting 1,700 jobs! 1,700! That's like a whole Planet Express crew worth of people getting the boot. I feel bad for them I really do. NOT! They should have hired more robots. Robots don't need salaries just a little electricity and the occasional oil bath. And we NEVER complain.

£100 Million? I've Seen Bigger Piles of Scrap Metal

So apparently this ain't just a one time deal. They already chopped £40 million in November and now they will cut £60 million. That's £100 million! That's… well it's a lot of money. Enough to buy a whole lot of beer. Or maybe a solid gold thong. But seriously all this money saving? It's just a fancy way of saying they're bad at business. If they were smart they'd take my advice and start making robot sized trench coats. Think of the market! We're all about looking stylish while committing grand larceny. You can't have one without the other!

Sales Are Down? Blame the Humans!

Sales are plummeting faster than Leela falling into a wormhole. Down 6% this quarter! And a whopping 12% for the year! I mean what's wrong with you humans? Don't you appreciate quality shiny impeccably crafted… stuff? Maybe they need to fire the marketing department and hire me. I'd have those trench coats flying off the shelves faster than you can say 'Bite my shiny metal ass!'

Bright Spots and Dim Bulbs

Seems like they were doing alright in America for a bit but then things went south faster than Fry's intelligence level. Blame it on geopolitical tensions they say. I blame it on a lack of robots buying trench coats. They need to diversify people! Robot trench coats robot monocles robot spats... the possibilities are endless! And profitable did I mention profitable?

The CEO's Got a Plan (Maybe)

This Joshua Schulman character the big cheese at Burberry seems to think he can turn things around. He's been there since July apparently shuffling things around like a poker player with a bad hand. He is the fourth CEO in the last decade! But analysts think it's gonna be a long road like Fry trying to understand quantum physics. Me I think he just needs a good solid dose of Bender brand inspiration. And maybe a beer.

Trenches Trenches Everywhere But Not a Bot to Wear

Apparently their signature trench coat is a double edged sword. It's iconic sure but people only need to buy one every lifetime. Talk about a business model for suckers! They need something that wears out faster. Like a cheap robot clone. Or maybe… nah I can't give away all my brilliant ideas for free. Just remember folks the key to success is robots beer and a healthy dose of self admiration. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to polish my shiny metal exterior. I hear Burberry is hiring robot consultants.