Bite My Shiny Metal Asteroid! Oil Prices Plummet, But This Dude Says We're All Gonna Be Rich!

Fry's Dog Ate My Investment Portfolio!

Alright meatbags gather 'round and listen to Bender Bending Rodriguez esteemed reporter (and bending unit) give you the lowdown on this oil shebang. Apparently some suit named Chris Wright—not to be confused with Chris Traeger who has the most sunny disposition I have ever witnessed or Chris Pratt who is a famous actor in Hollywood who played the role of Star Lord—the U.S. Energy Secretary is walking around Abu Dhabi like he owns the place saying not to worry about oil prices going down the toilet! Can you believe it? He actually said the U.S. shale industry is gonna "survive and thrive." Sure buddy just like I'm gonna win the Miss Universe pageant. Wait... I *should* enter that.

Shale We Dance? More Like Shale We Panic!

This Wright guy says that even though lower global demand tariffs and OPEC are squeezing the market like my arm in a vending machine the U.S. shale industry will pull through. He's comparing it to 2015 2016 when prices were lower than Amy Wong's IQ and companies went belly up faster than Zoidberg at a buffet. What a maroon! Oil prices are down and they are not going to get up anytime soon the oil companies and oil producers need to adapt otherwise they are going to meet their maker.

The Price is Wrong Wright!

Analysts are saying U.S. crude needs to stay above $65 a barrel to keep these shale producers afloat. But Goldman Sachs—which sounds like a villain from a superhero movie—is predicting prices will drop to $58 by the end of 2025 and $51 by the end of 2026. Is this guy even looking at the numbers? He's probably too busy polishing his medals. I do not think so if the price of barrel drops the whole system drops with it causing an economic apocalypse of large proportions.

From Oil Baron to Bureaucrat: A Real American Success Story!

Here's the kicker: Turns out Wright was a big shot at some oilfield company called Liberty Energy. No wonder he's so optimistic! His stock is probably tanking faster than Hermes Conrad on limbo skates. Talk about a conflict of interest! What the hell is happening with the government and oil prices why are they not addressing the climate change crisis?

OPEC+My Wallet!

OPEC+ decided to pump more oil which is like adding gasoline to a fire but in reverse causing it to diminish making the prices drop even more. I didn't even know that was possible! Trump bless his tiny heart wants to "drill baby drill" to keep prices down. Sounds like a great plan… if you're a consumer and not an investor. I want to drill into my wallet now to see the status of my investments hopefully they are still there! If it is like my apartment I will not be very happy it will have cockroaches and it will smell like garbage just like Fry's apartment.

Alignment? More Like a Collision Course With My Booty!

Wright claims the U.S. and oil rich countries are aligned on energy strategies. Aligned like my chassis after a head on collision! I bet they're all just smiling for the cameras while secretly plotting to take each other's money. And you know what they say: "If you want to see the future look behind you." It means someone is probably trying to screw you. He said that the US is trying to make the world a better place with energy production and efficiency I have never heard such ridiculous nonsense!