Bite My Shiny Metal Assets! Is BP About to Get Assimilated by Another Oil Giant?!

BP's Identity Crisis: A Bender Sized Problem!

Alright meatbags gather 'round! Bender's got news and it's juicier than a bucket of whale oil! BP that British petroleum place is having an identity crisis bigger than mine after a night of robo booze. They're trying to figure out if they wanna be all green and tree huggy or stick to good ol' dinosaur squeezings. Looks like they picked the latter 'cause money talks and oil walks...right into their pockets! They're slashing spending on renewables and pumping more cash into oil and gas. Classic BP: "I'm back baby!"

Takeover Talk: Who Wants a Piece of Bender's Metal Butt I Mean BP?

So because BP's share price is lower than my moral standards everyone's sniffing around like dogs at a garbage disposal unit. Shell ExxonMobil Chevron – all the big boys wanna play. Apparently BP's CEO Murray Auchincloss says there's "significant interest" in their non core assets. What are non core assets you ask? Probably the stuff that doesn't make them buckets of money unlike Bender. I mean me! Shell declined to comment probably 'cause they're too busy counting their own oil soaked cash. But you know what I say "Let's go already!"

Merger Mania: Buy Buy Buy!

Maurizio Carulli from Quilter Cheviot (who he?) says buying is better than building these days. Like when I 'bought' that priceless antique toaster from that museum! ExxonMobil already swallowed Pioneer Natural Resources for $60 billion and Chevron's trying to get its metallic claws on Hess for $53 billion. It's a feeding frenzy out there folks! And BP's just sitting there like a shiny oily steak waiting to be devoured. This is better than that time I got to judge the Miss Universe pageant!

Shell vs. BP: A Robo Rivalry!

Shell and BP merging? That'd be like me and Calculon joining forces! Unstoppable! But Carulli thinks it might trigger some anti trust issues like when I tried to corner the market on dark matter. Plus Shell's all about being responsible with their money – can you imagine?! Who does that? This reminds me of when I said "I'm going to build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers. In fact forget the park!"

Existential Crisis? More Like an Existential Opportunity!

Some egghead from Morningstar Allen Good (more like Allen Bad) says oil and gas is facing an 'existential crisis'. Decades away he says. I agree. Humans are decades away from building another Bender unit. Whatever. He thinks Shell might try to merge with BP instead of buying them outright. Sounds messy like my apartment after a poker game with Flexo and Fry. He says that BP would likely be stripped of its costs. That includes their Headquarters being London I guess. I'd be like "Well I'm going to go build my own BP with blackjack and hookers. In fact forget the BP!"

Activist Investors: The Real Villains!

Goldman Sachs dude Michele Della Vigna thinks BP's reset was 'wise'. Maybe. But those pesky activist investors are already poking around. Elliott Management has almost 5% stake and Follow This wants to kick out the chair. They want BP to sell off its stake in Rosneft (boo Russia!) its marketing business (gas stations? Lame!) and maybe even move to the U.S. I mean those Americans aren't that bad. I once had a delightful chat with George Washington's head! Still I'd rather drink motor oil than listen to those guys. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go polish my posterior!