Bender Reports ASML's Chip Sales Slump! Is Trump to Blame?!

ASML's Metal Ass Kicks Off Q1

Alright meatbags Bender here! Turns out even companies that make the guts of your precious computers ain't immune to the suck. ASML those Dutch fellas who build chip machines had a bit of a 'D'OH!' moment. They didn't quite hit the sales jackpot they were aiming for in the first quarter. Net sales were a measly 7.74 billion euros just shy of the 7.8 billion they expected. Profit? A pathetic 2.36 billion. I make more than that recycling beer cans! Well I would if I actually recycled.

Order Demands? Bite My Shiny Metal Bookings!

But here's where the oil hits the fan. Their net bookings – those little promises of future riches – were a measly 3.94 billion euros. Analysts predicted a whopping 4.89 billion! That's a bigger difference than me compared to a pile of garbage…wait bad example. Anyway their stock took a nosedive faster than Fry falling into that cryogenic tube. Looks like someone needs a drink and by someone I mean ME!

AI to the Rescue? Maybe Not!

Apparently this Christophe Fouquet guy the CEO is trying to put a positive spin on things saying AI is still driving demand. Yeah right. I bet those AI units are just ordering more booze and cigars. He also mumbled something about 'uncertainty' from customers and might end up on the lower end of their revenue guidance which is between 30 billion euros to 35 billion euros. This is not the kind of performance that impresses Bender. I need more zeroes!

Tariffs! The Bender Offender!

Ah tariffs! The new buzzword to blame for everything. Fouquet is whining about how tariffs are creating 'new uncertainty.' Is this good for robots? I don't care! Is it good for Bender? Still don't care! A Quilter Cheviot analyst (who names these companies?) thinks the U.S. tariffs could have 'widespread' effects. But he is not sure if they will choose sides. I vote for team Bender who is usually the right and only side.

Trump's Tariff Tantrums: Good News Everyone?

And then there's that orange faced doofus Trump stirring the pot with his tariff plans. One minute smartphones and chips are safe the next minute they're in a 'different bucket.' What in the name of Calculon is going on? It's enough to make a robot short circuit. The U.S. Commerce Department is now investigating whether more tariffs are needed to 'protect national security.' You know who needs protecting? My liver!

Nvidia Gets the Bender Bender!

Even Nvidia the fancy graphics card maker is feeling the heat. They're expecting a $5.5 billion hit because the U.S. is restricting their exports to China. Serves them right for making things that aren't beer or cigars. Seems like everyone's getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Except me. I'm always awesome.