Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Cartier! Richemont's Sales Soar While You Plebs Struggle!

Respect My Authoritah! Richemont's Q4 Sales Are HUGE!

Oh my god you guys! I just heard the news and it's totally unfair! While all you poors are worrying about gas prices and whether or not you can afford another bag of Cheesy Poofs Richemont the company that owns Cartier is swimming in cash! Apparently they had a 7% increase in sales! 7 PERCENT! That's like a million dollars... maybe even a BILLION! Screw you guys I'm going to Cartier. I DESERVE a diamond encrusted watch!

Jewelry is for cool people Watches are lame

So apparently the Jewelry Maisons division is doing super well. Cartier Van Cleef & Arpels... all that sparkly stuff. But get this the watch division with Piaget and Roger Dubuis is doing BAD in Asia! HA! Maybe they should try selling jewelry instead or maybe Asians are just too stupid to appreciate fine watches. Whatever as long as Cartier is making money I don't give a crap.

China Sucks Japan Rules!

Okay so the article says sales are down in Asia Pacific because of a huge drop in China. Figures. Those stupid Chinese people are probably spending all their money on cheap toys or something. But Japan? Japan's sales are UP! Way up! 25%! That's because they know what's up! They're buying all the fancy stuff probably because they're too busy taking pictures of themselves to notice the economy is going to hell.

Johann Rupert? More Like Johann LOSER!

This Johann Rupert dude the Chairman of Richemont is talking about 'strong agility and discipline' because of 'global uncertainties.' Oh shut up Johann! You're rich! What do you care about uncertainties? Just keep selling shiny things to rich people who don't know what else to do with their money! It's not rocket science! Seriously respect my authoritah!

BofA Global Research? More like BofA Global...Losers!

Okay so BofA Global Research is whining about gold prices tariffs and currency fluctuations. Wah wah wah! Like anyone cares! They say Richemont's pricing power might save them. Duh! Rich people will pay whatever they want for something shiny! It's not like they have to worry about saving for retirement or anything. Screw you guys I'm going home!

I Want My Cheesy Poofs And I Want Them NOW!

So basically the article is saying that even though the world is falling apart rich people are still buying expensive crap. And you know what? That's FINE BY ME! Because if they're buying expensive crap maybe JUST MAYBE some of that money will trickle down to ME! And then I can finally get my Cheesy Poofs and a freakin' diamond encrusted watch! Now if you excuse me I'm going to go yell at my mom for not being rich enough.