Billionaire's Got Game: Family Offices Steal Startup Deals From VC Suckers!

Bite My Shiny Metal Assets!

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender is here to drop some knowledge straight from the financial gutter. Word on the street is that these 'family offices' – basically rich folks playing business – are muscling in on the startup scene. And get this they're apparently better at it than those VC weasels. Who knew throwing money around could be a job? I've been doing it for years at the track! It's about time someone recognized my talents.

Long Haul? More Like Long Lunch!

This Adelman guy who apparently runs one of these fancy family fortresses claims they're in it for the 'long haul.' Yeah yeah I've heard that before. Probably just an excuse to avoid doing any actual work. But hey if they're willing to throw money at startups when things get rough I'm all for it. It's like having a sugar daddy but for your terrible business idea. I once tried to start a bending unit factory needless to say it went belly up quicker than a fish in a microwave. At least this family office sounds like they could have carried me through that.

Friends Country Clubs and Bad Investments: A Cautionary Tale

Adelman also spilled the beans on how he used to throw cash at deals recommended by his buddies. Classic! Nothing says 'sound investment strategy' like trusting your golf buddies. He quickly realized that was a recipe for financial disaster. I tried that once with Leela and Zoidberg. Didn't end well; let's just say I'm still trying to get the lobster smell out of my apartment.

Vodka Shoes and Sports Teams: The Diversification Dance

Apparently this Darco Capital outfit has their fingers in everything from booze to footwear to sports teams. Talk about a mixed bag! I bet their office parties are wild. I mean who wouldn't want to sip vodka while watching the 76ers lose? Actually scratch that. I'd rather be bending girders.

Jockeys Not Horses: A Gambling Man's Philosophy

Adelman says he bets on 'jockeys not horses.' In other words he invests in the people running the company not the business idea itself. Huh that's surprisingly insightful for a human. Though I still think robot ran enterprises are superior they follow programming. It's basically all the best bits of humanity without the humanity parts.

Outsource Your Problems Just Like Me With Laundry!

His final piece of wisdom? Maybe you don't even need a family office! Just outsource it to some other fancy firm. Smart! Why do the work yourself when you can pay someone else to do it? That's my motto when it comes to laundry. Filthy and Fabulous that's me baby!