Good News, Everyone! Vance Says Ukraine War Not Ending Soon (D'oh!)

Vance's Vision: War Without End Amen?

Alright folks your favorite cyclops is here to deliver some 'good' news! Vice President JD Vance (whoever that is) is saying the Russia Ukraine war isn't wrapping up anytime soon. 'It's not going anywhere,' he said. Sounds about right. I mean wars are like Zapp Brannigan's schemes they just keep going and going! I swear sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop with this stuff.

Minerals Deal: Shiny Metal Distraction?

But wait there's more! The U.S. and Ukraine signed a minerals deal. Apparently we're getting dibs on Ukraine's natural resources. Vance thinks this is progress but I'm not so sure. It's like Fry thinking he's a genius because he found a perfectly cromulent donut. Is this really going to help end the war or is it just another way for Earthicans to exploit other planets? Oh wait... I mean countries. Sorry.

Trump's 'One Day' Promise: A Bigger Lie Than Nixon's Head?

Remember when President Trump promised to end the war in 'one day'? Yeah that aged well. It's right up there with his promise to make America great again again. I mean come on people! You should know politicians' promises are flimsier than Hermes' job security. It is such a vivid metaphor.

Negotiation Impasse: The Blame Game Begins

Secretary of State Marco Rubio (another one I've never heard of) is threatening to pull out of mediation efforts if Russia and Ukraine don't come up with 'concrete proposals'. Sounds like a classic Earthican 'My way or the highway!' strategy. I am getting second hand embarrassment just thinking about it.

Kremlin's Stance: Blah Blah Peace Talks

And of course the Kremlin is saying Putin is open to peace talks. Sure he is. Just like Zoidberg is open to being a respected doctor. 'Why not?' am I right? Seriously I am starting to think that everyone involved is just pretending.

Leela's Verdict: Wup Wup Wup!

So there you have it. War's still on there's a suspicious minerals deal and everyone's blaming each other. My expert opinion? The situation is still pretty grim. I'd say we need a miracle but I'm pretty sure those are rationed now. Wup wup wup! Maybe Bender has some ideas?