Alaska Airlines Earnings PLUMMET! Is Your Summer Vacation DOOMED?!

Blast It! The Economy Strikes Again!

Oh bother! It seems even *I* Stewie Griffin couldn't have predicted this economic kerfuffle. Alaska Airlines you know that little tin can that hurtles through the sky has warned that 'softer travel demand' is going to put a rather nasty dent in their second quarter earnings. Honestly it's enough to make a baby reach for his atomic weapon… again.

Hawaiian Merger: More Like a Hawaiian Hangover

And to add insult to injury they're blaming it in part on this whole Hawaiian Airlines merger business. One might think combining two airborne behemoths would result in more riches than Carter has pills but noooo! Instead we get 'economic uncertainty and volatility.' Reminds me of the time I tried to build a time machine out of Lego – promising start disastrous finish.

Fares Fares Everywhere But Not a Penny to Spare

Apparently people *are* still booking flights but they're being frightfully frugal about it. According to some fellow named Shane Tackett (sounds like a character from a third rate western doesn't he?) 'fares aren't as strong' as they were. Well boo hoo! Perhaps they should try selling first class tickets with complimentary cranial adjustments. I hear my services are quite reasonable for a sociopathic baby genius.

CEO's Brave Face: A Performance Worthy of the Tony's!

But fear not dear readers! CEO Ben Minicucci (sounds like a delicious Italian pastry) assures us that Alaska is 'built for times like these.' Oh really? Is it also built to withstand my laser powered teddy bear? I think not! Still one must give him credit for putting on a brave face. The man deserves an Oscar or at least a stiff drink.

Wall Street's Wailing: More Dramatic Than a Soap Opera

Now let's talk numbers. Apparently Alaska Airlines took a bigger bath than Rupert Murdoch at a mermaid convention in the first quarter. They reported a loss of 77 cents per share which according to the pointy heads at Wall Street is… unacceptable! Honestly the drama. One would think the world was ending. (Although come to think of it *I* could probably end the world if I wanted to…)

Profitability? Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch (or Fly)

So what does the future hold for Alaska Airlines? Well they're not updating their full year guidance which in my book is never a good sign. However they claim they still expect to be profitable. Hmm. I suppose we'll just have to wait and see. But if things don't improve I may just have to invest in a competing airline and crush them all! Muah ha ha!