Zuckerberg's AI Shopping Spree: Is He Finally Gonna Be Cool?

Screw You Guys I'm Going AI Shopping!

Alright listen up you guys! It's Eric Cartman here and I'm reporting live from my mom's basement on the latest most important news ever: Mark Zuckerberg is spending all his money on AI! Apparently Facebook or Meta or whatever the hell it's called now is trying to be cool by buying up all these AI companies. It's like when I tried to buy Imaginationland – except Zuckerberg actually has the cash. Respect my authoritah!

14.3 Billion Dollars?! Sweet!

So this Zuckerberg dude dropped $14.3 BILLION on Scale AI and he hired their founder this dweeb named Alexandr Wang. Honestly 14.3 billion sounds like a lot of freakin' money but I'd probably use it to buy Casa Bonita and then I'd ban all the minorities from it so that it would be exclusive just for me!. That's how you run a business people!

GitHub CEO? What Is That?

Then he goes and hires some former GitHub CEO Nat Friedman and his business partner. I don't even know what GitHub IS but it sounds super lame. Probably something that Kyle would be into. These guys are gonna work for Wang. Serves 'em right for being nerds!

Llama 4? More Like Lame A 4!

Apparently Meta's AI model Llama 4 (he he llama) is a total flop. Everyone thinks it sucks. So now Zuck is panicking and throwing money at everyone to fix it. Maybe he should have just asked ME. I'm really smart you guys. Way smarter than Kyle especially if he's a ginger which are a total curse to society.

Zuckerberg's Desperate Move

Now Sam Altman from OpenAI is saying that Meta's throwing around $100 million signing bonuses! Hundred million dollars just to join Meta?! I could buy so much Cheesy Poofs with that! This is all out of control you guys. Zuckerberg is so desperate; he's practically begging people to come work for him. I love it when rich people grovel!

Still Up 17%? Respect his Authoritah!

But get this the stock is still up 17% for the year! Even after all this dumb spending! It's like when I manipulated the Wieners Out sell off to get $10 extra dollars. So maybe Zuckerberg's not a complete idiot. I'm still way cooler though. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go convince my mom to give me $20 for Cheesy Poofs. Screw you guys I'm going home!