Trump's Tariffs Are Screwing Everyone Over Except Me! Respect My Authoritah!

Respect My Authoritah! Tariff Time You Guys!

Okay listen up you guys! President Douchebag—I mean Trump—just announced these huge tariffs like on everyone! He's saying it's 'reciprocal,' which is a fancy word for 'screwing over everyone else so America can be awesome!' But honestly it sounds like something Cartman would come up with!

China's Gonna Pay! Or Maybe Not?

So apparently Trump's holding up this poster board like he's in third grade and showing off his macaroni art. He claims China's charging us like 67% in tariffs! Can you believe that?! But then these nerds at the Cato Institute (whoever THEY are) say China's tariff rate is only 3%! Only 3 PERCENT!! Trump is totally trying to Jew us down!

Trade Deficits? More Like Trade Deficits of Awesomeness!

And get this: Trump's apparently calculating these tariffs by dividing the trade deficit by imports. It's like he's trying to make the trade deficit disappear with some kind of magic trick! But all it's gonna do is make everything more expensive for ME!

Blame Canada! And Everyone Else!

The USTR is trying to say this is all about making things 'fair.' Fair?! Life isn't fair you guys! Just ask Kenny! He dies every freakin' episode! And what about Butters?! He's the most unlucky kid in the whole wide world! If those morons at USTR wanted it to be fair they would give me one million dollars!

Recession?! Sweet!

Some dude at JPMorgan says there's a 60% chance of a recession if these tariffs stick. A recession?! That means everyone's gonna be poor except for me! I'll finally be able to buy my own amusement park 'Cartmanland!' Then you'll all respect my authoritah!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home!

Honestly this whole tariff thing is a bunch of crap. It's gonna make everything more expensive and I'm not gonna be able to buy the newest Casa Bonita food. So screw you guys I'm going home! And when I'm President things are going to be WAY better because I'll have Kenny do all the work and make Butters pay for my mistakes!