Screw You Guys! Trump's Tariffs Tank Tech Stocks and Everyone's Blaming ME!

Aw Crap! The Tables Have Turned!

Alright listen up you guys! It's Eric Cartman here reporting live from my mom's basement! So remember how all those stupid rich Silicon Valley douches were all over Trump like flies on Wendy's dumpster? Yeah well guess what? Their little love affair just went south! Big time!

Blame Canada! Wait No Blame Trump!

Apparently Trump announced some stupid tariff plan – probably to screw over Canada or something – and now the Nasdaq is having a total meltdown! It's the worst it's been since the stupid pandemic! I mean seriously? Those tech CEOs were practically humping Trump's leg to get close to him and now their companies are losing money faster than I can eat a bag of Cheesy Poofs! The Irony!

Elon Musk You're Fired! (From Being My Best Friend)

And don't even get me started on Elon Musk! That tool gave Trump like a billion dollars to get back in the White House and now Tesla is tanking! Down 40% for the year! What a loser! I bet he's regretting not using that money to build me a real life Coon Mobile. Screw you Elon!

IPO? More Like 'I POO'!

All these companies were planning to go public and make even MORE money but now they're all running scared! Klarna StubHub Chime… all those losers are delaying their IPOs because the market's so unstable. It's like they're all saying "Oh no the tariffs are gonna get me!" Bunch of whiners! I'm sure if they just manned up like me the Coon they would be rich!

Caving Faster Than Butters After a Timeout!

And of course all the tech dudes who supported Trump are now trying to defend themselves. Some idiot named Keith Rabois is saying the tariffs are good because they'll stop fentanyl imports. Yeah right! Like Trump gives a crap about fentanyl! He just wants to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it! I swear these guys are dumber than Butters after a triple dose of NyQuil! Butters!

Respect My Authoritah! Or Else...

The moral of the story is this: don't trust anyone! Especially not Trump and especially not those stupid Silicon Valley elites! They're all just a bunch of phonies who only care about money! Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go eat some more Cheesy Poofs and plot my revenge on Kyle! Respect my Authoritah!